Sunday, May 4, 2008 by Bill Reichart
This is a funny satire ad, and it dovetails nicely with my post: Death by Meetings. (ht: Seth Godin) Labels: Humor, Meetings, Satire
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Friday, April 4, 2008 by Bill Reichart
OWENSBORO, Ky. — A small group from Rolling Hills Christian Church arrived at a place of unprecedented honesty with each other last Tuesday when they discovered that nobody in the group actually liked anyone else.
"We all realized, ‘You know what? I don’t care for any of you, and I find your kids annoying,’" says one man who was present.
The moment of openness came while they planned their annual small group camping trip. Some disagreed over dates and camping locations, until one man finally said, "To be honest, I don’t relish spending any extra time with any of you, especially not a week-long trip." Others voiced their agreement and several people applauded.
"It hurt so good," said one participant. "I felt huge relief at not having to pretend to like these people anymore."
 The discussion progressed as people revealed what they disliked about the others. Marty, a middle-aged umarried woman, was singled out for being too socially needy and bringing up the same prayer requests she’s had for the past five years. The group was also tired of praying for her "unspoken request" which everyone knew was to find a husband.
The Perez family was blasted for allowing their children to run around the house unchecked and eat the adult desserts before the adults had a chance to eat them.
"I made the loveliest pumpkin cupcakes one time and the kids inhaled them in about thirty seconds," says one woman. "From that point on, I just brought store-bought snacks." Everyone voiced annoyance at the homeschooling family but couldn’t find a specific reason to, given that the daughter sits quietly in the corner reading Little House on the Prairie books. "I guess she’s mousy. That’s about the worst I can say," said one member.
The outpouring of truthfulness came five years after the group was created by a church secretary who is now employed elsewhere. At the time, the secretary was responsible for placing all church members into small groups by geographic proximity, age and "sometimes the sounds of their names," she says.
 But this group struggled to gel.
"I always looked for reasons to like everyone, but I just couldn’t find them," says one woman. "I’m just put off by each person." Another man says he worked hard "to enjoy their company and find common interests, but I just couldn’t do it." Now, he says, "I’m tired of wasting one night a week on them. I’m even tired of the smell of their houses."
The group agreed to have what they call a "Paul-Barnabas split" in which they part company willingly, with hopes that the others flourish in some other environment, away from the rest.
To the surprise of many, the experience has given them a common bond. "I like these people a lot more since we all admitted we don’t really like each other," says one man. "I still don’t want to meet with them every week, but at least we have a real relationship now."
(ht: Lark News)
Labels: Humor, Satire, Small_Groups
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Sunday, March 30, 2008 by Bill Reichart
Is your small group getting stale? Has it become the same old, same old? Then crank it up a notch with this list of the worst small group study guides. These guides are for the small group - where it can't get any worst: Top 10 Worst Small Group Study Guides10. Leviticus Laws: A 52-Week In-Depth Study 9. How To Become A Bullhorn Preacher In 6 Weeks8. Everything You Wanted to Know About Hell, Fire, & Brimstone (But Were Afraid To Ask) 7. The Ins & Outs of Biblical Circumcision6. Simple Questions: A 12-Week Guide To Giving Sunday-School Answers 5. The Black-And-White Guide to Christianity's Grey Issues4. The Crusades (And Christianity's Other Most Embarrassing Moments) 3. Improving Your Marriage Through Changing The Bad Things About Your Spouse2. How To Transform Gossip Into Prayer Requests 1. Sinning For DummiesList taken from CCC Small GroupsLabels: Humor, Satire, Small_Groups
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Saturday, March 15, 2008 by Bill Reichart
Do you want the people at your next meeting to connect? Do you want to help cultivate conversation among people that barely know one another? If you do then read this list, AND THEN DO THE OPPOSITE!!Here are the Top 10 WORST ICE BREAKERS EVER:10. Share the worst sin you’ve ever committed.9. If you were God, who would you punish first? 8. Which person in this group do you think needs to find Jesus the most?7. Which people at your church do you wish would find a different church, and why? 6. If you could erase any verse out of the Bible, which one would it be?5. Share the juiciest piece of gossip you know so we can pray about it. 4. If you could have anything from your neighbor’s house, what would it be?3. What’s your favorite of The 10 Commandments to break? 2. If you could change anything about your spouse, what would it be?1. If you could commit any sin and get away with it, what would it be? List taken from CCC Small GroupsLabels: Humor, Satire
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Wednesday, March 12, 2008 by Bill Reichart
 Does your church erect invisible barriers toward people getting connected with your church? Is it easier to find the Lost Ark rather than your church on a Sunday morning? Certainly there may be many legitimate reasons why someone may not come to your church (personal preferences, driving distances etc..). Those are issues that you can't control. But there are plenty of other issues that you can. So, if you are determined, for people to not come to your church or get connected then, Here are 10 ways to Stop Me (or anyone else )from Discovering Your Church1. Don’t have a website: This is the information age, even 107 year old women have blogs, but not your church. No website, no blogs, nothing, nada, zero. In order to feel more comfortable before I visit, I want to see something about the the church. I want to be able to kick the tires before I show up on Sunday. And even if you must have a website, make sure it is poorly designed, lacking in information, hard to navigate, lots of rainbow and dove graphics, and definitely out of date. 2. Be completely inactive in the community: If you’re not doing anything in the community then no one will talk about your church. That makes it a lot harder for me to accidentally find out anything useful. So don’t serve the community or partner with other churches or non-profits. In fact it’s really just best if you stay completely inward-focused and don’t do anything missional in your town or city. 3. Don’t answer your phone: Regardless of what time I call (weekday, weekend, morning, afternoon, evening) don’t answer the phone and don’t have an answering machine or voice mail for me to leave a message or prayer request. If you do have voice mail, don’t include your website address, service times or directions to your church on your message, and don’t ever answer the phone on Sunday mornings. That way when I’m lost en route to service, I’ll have no choice but to drive around aimlessly until I give up and go home. 4. Allow misinformation: When contact information changes about your church, make sure you don't update websites, online directories and phone books. It is important to make sure you keep me on my toes and misdirected every chance possible. 5. Lack clear signage: Even if I’m determined to visit your church, you have several on site options to discourage me. The first is to play hide and seek. Is your church in a nondescript building or on a street with several other churches? Have absolutely no signage; none, whatsoever. Except maybe on the mailbox, where you abbreviate things beyond comprehension. 6. Have insufficient parking/seating: Other discouraging on-site options are lack of adequate parking and seating. Does your church seat 200? Only have 30 parking spaces and make sure that all the church volunteers are using them. Been running at capacity for weeks or months? Don’t start another service, so that there will be standing room only. Have visitors’ parking? Put it in the corner of the lot away from the entrance. Have adequate parking? Don’t stripe the lot or have parking attendants; chaos is best. Have adequate seating? Make it as uncomfortable as possible. 7. Ignore Visitors: Despite your best efforts to discourage me, you think that you have won -but I have found and attended your church. In fact, I even filled out a visitor’s card requesting more information. Don’t acknowledge my visit in any way. Don’t call me, don’t send me a thank you card, don’t answer any of my questions or give me any information about how to become involved or learn more about Jesus. Also don’t have any literature available for me to take home and don’t train your volunteers to be courteous or helpful in anyway. 8. Respond half-heartedly to inquiries: If responding to information requests at all, do so extremely slowly and only partially. Wait 1 week or more to return emails or phone calls and if I ask several questions, don’t answer them all. Instead just tell me I should come to a service to find out more. That saves you a couple minutes of response time and makes you look very busy and important. Whatever you do, do not start a dialogue with me. 9. Be evasive about your beliefs: When I ask a direct question about the church’s beliefs, ignore the question or act like you don’t understand and then start telling me about your denomination or church programs. For “What We Believe”, only include the Nicene Creed on your website or literature. If I’m adamant about wanting positional clarity, instead tell me about the love of Jesus and how Christianity isn’t about division. For those times you do answer my questions, act offended that I would even ask, then try and make me feel stupid or sinful for questioning you. 10. Continue to be difficult: You might just get a few months of attendance out of me before I just give up out of frustration. Don't help me get into a small group. Don't help me find ways to volunteer and use my gifts. If you keep making the process of involvement and connectedness difficult and unclear, you will eventually wear me down and I will go elsewhere.
(adapted from a post at Church Redone)Labels: Humor, Satire
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Tuesday, October 30, 2007 by Bill Reichart
 (a parody)Holy Kiss Leads to Unexpected Result
BISMARCK, ND - With so many churches giving up on the bible either partially or completely, at least one pastor has decided to take a stand. Rev. Harold Geeves, of Nazareth Bible Church, is determined to take the bible literally.
According to Geeves, "We want to live by the whole counsel of God's Word, and we interpret it literally. Because of this, we believe in the substitutionary atonement of Jesus Christ. We also believe that only men should be elders and teach within the church. As a church, we have decided that only believers should be baptized. Our women all wear head coverings."
Geeves continued, "We have taken some criticism for these beliefs. Several other local pastors have challenged us on our consistency. They kept asking us if we greeted one another with a "holy kiss," as Paul commanded in Romans 16:16, I Corinthians 16:20, II Corinthians 13:12, and I Thessalonians 5:26. They told us that if Paul commanded it four times, then we should be consistent and do it."
After several months of this, Rev. Geeves called a special meeting with the church deacons. TBNN has learned that the two-hour deacon meeting was animated as men on all sides of the issue spoke passionately about the ramifications of instituting the "holy kiss" at Nazareth.
Deacon Melvin Simmons said, "It got pretty heated in there. As the leaders of the church, we wanted to be united with what we presented to the church body. So after quite a bit of arguing, we decided that consistency was too important to not take a stand on this issue. We voted to begin the Holy Kiss Program at our church."
This simple program was designed to work like this: on Sunday mornings, when members first met other members, they were to greet one another with a small peck on the cheek. That was it. It was certainly not to go any farther than that.
For two weeks everything seemed to be going smoothly. There were a few embarrassing moments when men kissed other men for the first time. Also, the ladies were having to return repeatedly to the restroom to re-apply lipstick. The youth took to the program a little too enthusiastically. However, all-in-all, the Holy Kiss Program was a success.
Then it happened.
Deacon Simmons forgot that the program is for members only. On the first Sunday in August of this year, John and Shelly Winters, first-time visitors to Nazareth, walked in the front door of the church building. According to eye witnesses, Deacon Simmons strolled up to the couple, introduced himself, and then kissed Mr. Winters on the cheek. As Mr. Winters stood there shocked, Deacon Simmons leaned over and pecked the cheek of Mrs. Winters. That's when it got ugly.
Read the rest here.....Holy Kiss Leads to Unexpected Result )
Labels: Satire
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Sunday, October 14, 2007 by Bill Reichart
 (this post was reposted from my blog, Provocative Church)I have the position at my church with the title, Pastor of "Doing Life Together". Pretty niffty huh? The reason that I have that title is because the scope of my responsibilities are to help people move from their First Impressions on Sunday to establishing Lasting Connections. In a nutshell, I am committed to helping people connect at Big Creek. Needless to say, I get torqued when I hear people saying "I don't feel connected". Now of course, one response should be to ask, "What are we doing or not doing at Big Creek that is making it difficult to connect?" It first needs to be a question about our systems and processes. But the flip side of the coin is, "What is that person doing or not doing that it prohibiting their ability to connect?" That question has got to be asked as well. I can be responsible for what we do at Big Creek, but only an individual at Big Creek can be responsible for their own choices. With that in mind, consider this "sarcastic" list in order to help evaulaute whether or not you are doing all that it takes to build community and get connected.... (built off a post from askingY.com)10 Ways to Avoid Building Community Within Your Church1. Keep conversations short.Just like the old Dragnet character, Joe Friday, "Just the facts..." Don't get into details. Don't share anything with an emotional element to it. Make conversations short and sweet. You are busy, you have a lot to deal with in your life, if you talk to someone you might get close to them and that takes time and energy that you don’t have. Just keep it short and sweet, don’t bother talking about anything more than the weather. The key is if you don’t know a person is hurting, then you don’t have to do anything about it. 2. Always sit in your “assigned” seatBy always sitting in the same seat you always sit around the same people. These folks know the deal, and stick to the appropriate 30 second conversations: weather, sports, how the new preacher is doing, etc. Also, this keeps you from having to venture out, meet new people, and possibly sit next to someone you aren’t familiar with. Also, if you catch someone sitting in your assigned seat, make sure to stare them down and feel uncomfortable. That will teach them and perhaps they won't come back your church again. 3. Avoid new peopleIf possible come to church through the back door. It’s one thing to deal with all the people that you already know at church, but it’s another to actually meet new people. Seriously, you aren’t good with names, you don’t have the time, or the energy, so just walk right past anyone you don’t know. After all, they won’t notice that you totally avoided them. 4. Come late to churchDon’t overlook the beauty of this one. By coming in late you totally avoid even the 30 second conversations. And (bonus), you avoid the new people! It just makes life easier. 5. Leave immediately after the service (or early)You got to get out quickly in order to get a seat at the local restaurant. This strategy has the same benefits as coming in late. If you add this method with the coming in late method you could go to a church for years and never meet anyone. 6. Be physically present but mentally absentWhen talking to someone, pretend to listen by nodding your head and saying “uh huh” while you are really thinking about what football game comes on TV later that afternoon. Basically, this strategy allows you to engage people on the superficial level. After all, you’re just there to put in your “time” and then get on with your life. 7. Don’t share a mealIf you goal is to avoid community, this step is of the utmost importance, don’t ask people to lunch! Especially don't invite people over your house for a meal, that would be doubly stupid. Sharing a meal is an intimate thing that creates deeper relationships. So, when someone asks you to lunch fake a stomach ulcer or something, just get out of it. 8. Stay very, very busyThis strategy is used by practically everyone on in North Atlanta. The busier you are, especially on a Sunday, the less time you have to “deal” with people. In fact, attempt to be so busy that when speaking to someone you never even stop walking past them as you say hello. Also use the old Seinfeld trick of walking quickly and look annoyed. Everyone will think you are busy and won't bother talking to you. 9. Make your default response “everything is great” or "fine"People will always ask how you are doing. Make sure that you have your “default” answer ready so that when they ask you are ready to say, “everything is great!” or "fine". This must be your default response, otherwise you might actually let on that your life is not perfect, or worse, that you are struggling and actually human. If you make the mistake and share anything more it could lead to deeper conversation and deeper relationship. If you are going to really avoid community while in church, this is probably your best weapon. 10. Don’t show upThis is definitively your best method of avoiding community overall because there is no community where there are no people. (HT: askingY.com)Technorati Tags: Community, Church, Ministry Labels: Satire
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My name is Bill Reichart and I am one of the pastors at Big Creek Church in Forsyth County, GA.
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