Ministry Best Practices

My family and I are dealing with the first lady sa...

2012-02-11T22:29:22.510-05:00

My family and I are dealing with the first lady saying inappropriate comments towards the congregation in public worship and it's getting worse. It's affecting my spirit-man and it's been going on for a while. I don't want my family be depleted spiritually and physically. Should we leave?

As new comer to the social media i ave the reason ...

2012-01-28T03:35:33.277-05:00

As new comer to the social media i ave the reason to believe that whatever we belive to be impossible is becuase of our choice but not our parents , our leaders ,our wives or husband, our churches nor our GOD.Scial network is a highway to each and every one.

Thanks for this post. I'm getting tired of go...

2011-12-30T17:11:59.122-05:00

Thanks for this post. I'm getting tired of going to my church because I feel down most Sundays -- pastor constantly preaching about the devil, how the devil-does-this, the devil-does-that, more about the devil than about Jesus. However, I'm caught in a bind, because the pastor indirectly talks about people who've left the church, saying "they will no longer grow spiritually" and "the devil is behind it". And also, that we (the flock, who are to be submitted to the pastor) should not "correct" him. (I give the benefit of the doubt here, people have said some nasty things to him in the past.)

Any tips? I've been here for years, so it is not easy, yet I'd rather be uplifted than put down on Sundays.

I was widowed for several years and very close to ...

2011-12-20T15:22:06.785-05:00

I was widowed for several years and very close to retirement when I joined my church four years ago. I quietly and steadily volunteered in doing what was needed around the church. Often times I was told my help was not needed. I joined a Bible study group organized by a seminary and led by mentors in my church. It is a four year course with a one year commitment for each year. Participants were in all years. I was the only first year student. Each week, each participant had to discuss the lesson. I took great pride in my study and research. On the fourth week, the mentor interrupted my talk and told me to finish up as I had a tendency to get carried away. I was so hurt. I arranged to speak to the rector to see how to smooth things over with the mentor. When I explained the situation, he said the mentor was a great friend of his and he was highly respected. End of our talk. I completed my first year with some reservations.
I was voted in by church members to become part of the Vestry. One of my new responsibilities was to start up a particular group of members. The rector and I met to discuss how to get more involvement from the church members. Sign-up sheets were distributed and the response was very encouraging. Some elected to meet during the week (day and/or night), some weekends, etc. When it came time to fully implement, the rector did a 180 and reversed everything that was in place and announced that they groups could only meet on Wednesday evenings. Some members became quite vocal in saying I was not honest in signing up people.The group concept never took off. I was blamed.
In early fall of this year, I was diagnosed with cancer. I have been hospitalized three times. Under physician orders, I cannot attend any large gatherings, visitors and family members must be healthy, etc. As a result, I am not currently attending Sunday services. Although the church as an In-Reach program, I have never been contacted. The only communication from the rector was almost a month after my diagnosis and it was an email. He stated that we were long overdue to speak. Would l like it to be via phone or in person and to let him know.
I really need(ed) some pastoral care. I had one phone call from a church member following my diagnosis and she want ed to know if after my first chemo treatment it gave me more energy. Only one church member has visited. Her concern is that I will leave the church and go somewhere else. She stated that the rector is not strong in pastoral care and I should accept it.
I have another church in mind. I’ve met several of the members. They are very outgoing, friendly, and welcoming. They do not know of my intentions as yet. I do not want to criticize my former church but need to know how to answer questions that might arise on changing churches. I want to do this graciously.

Thank you from someone who needs guidance.

The best way is to leave by telling the pastor - a...

2011-12-20T06:33:00.285-05:00

The best way is to leave by telling the pastor - affirm the people and issues of the church where you can and gently let them know that the church is going in another director that you all don't feel led into. Help you church find your replacements for the teams that you lead also...do what you can to leave graciously and in a God-honoring way...

We're thinking about leaving our church. We j...

2011-12-19T10:37:32.395-05:00

We're thinking about leaving our church. We just don't feel the same connection to the people there. The church is changing the name and turning the worship service into more of a "show" with lighting and multi media presentations. My wife and I lead two ministries and I am the announcer during worship service. I've seen other people leave that have done it poorly-mass emails, gossip, etc. The best way to leave is to just let the pastor know we won't be leading our teams any longer and just go, correct?

I have been at my church for 25 years. We have a ...

2011-12-12T22:32:49.389-05:00

I have been at my church for 25 years. We have a new pastor for the last 7. At the end of a church service I wanted to share something I felt was from the Lord. The pastor yelled stop and then preceed to yell that I was out of line. This was done in front of the congregation. He did not attempt to talk with me. I had to ask for a meeting twice. It took a whole month before he would meet with me. During that time he talked to other members of the congregation, even one who was not present at the service. I took an elder with me when he finally agreed to meet with me. He said he had a problem with me for a long time, and that I was attention seeking by giving to long of testimonies, going up for prayer to much and that he did not believe in my gift for vision. I tried to be respectful during that whole time. I did not gossip and it caused great anxiety for me. When I asked him why he talked to others before he talked to me he just said well that person had been a long standing member. It is a very small church of about 25 people. We have not grown in a long time. He said I could stay if I could sit under his authority. He expected an apology from me and told me I owed Go one to. I feel beat up after sermons and desire sermons that I can use through out the week in a very stressful job. Now I have a meber of the church who is saying I am wrong for leaving that others will follow. I thinks she thinks I am being selfish. I felt like when I left the meeting that night that I had been released. Even the elder I was with said she did not blame me for leaving. I have another church I have been going to and I am very happy there. I feel like my life has purpose there. I am torn by leaving my friends and do not want the church to fall apart on account of my leaving. This church member is making me feel that it will be my fault if the church falls apart. please help, any advise or encouragement would be helpful.

Chaplains do work with hurting people in difficult...

2011-12-05T20:16:40.801-05:00

Chaplains do work with hurting people in difficult places, and that includes the church. A pastor who does not care for hurting people may bring them in the front door but they will be going right out the back door when their needs are not met. As a professional hospital chaplain, I object to this caricature that the author has presented. Chaplains merit a better consideration that given here.

As a hospitality executive our standard is to alwa...

2011-12-02T12:11:09.381-05:00

As a hospitality executive our standard is to always wear our nametags on our right shoulders. We do get challenged by many team members with their own interpretation of what is proper, but this standard when worn by all in the same standard, proves we are a much more professional team

..oh and I forgot to mention the way his sisters s...

2011-11-29T00:06:46.342-05:00

..oh and I forgot to mention the way his sisters started being with my sisters and I after this all came out. I have never meet any other women so proud and hypocritical like them.

Hi Bill, thank you for being courageous in writing...

2011-11-29T00:02:46.265-05:00

Hi Bill, thank you for being courageous in writing this article.

Right now I am in sort of a problem. I have been part of this small church for about 8 years now. I was saved and baptized in it, am leaderof youth ministry and am engaged to the pastor's son. As I grew closer to them (pastor's family), I noticed how imperfect they really are, which is pretty normal. However, conflicts started with his family about me even before we were engaged (fiancee's sisters disliked me). Even now that we are engaged they do not want a relationship with me. I have never understood why, as I have confronted them but got nothing out of it. Only that they did not like my background of non-christian family. I am first-generation christian, and I praise God that I was able to bring my family(two younger sisters,15yrs & 16yrs, and my single mother). After long years of prayer, God answered them. They were finally here with me. My mom later moved to another church with her new fiancee, leaving my sisters with me.
The problems came after my sister of 16 years started having a sexual relationship with a 21 year old guy at church. The problem? The guy is the bro-in-law of my fiancee's sister. Obviously, when the pastor found out of this, he did what he as a pastor would do, put them both in discipline. However, my sister came out and told us that the guy was manipulating her into having sex with her. I told the pastor and all he said he already did what he was supposed too and will counsel the guy.
The other problem? My sister no longer feels comfortable at this church due to the guy being there. Now this is where I am stuck, I feelit would be best for my two sisters and I to leave church for this problem but then my fiancee does not want to leave due to the pastor is his dad. I have prayed and prayed but I feel desperate for having my sister in this pain and having to have to choose. I feel that I will not loose my sister that I have longed fought and pray for be away from church when I can help her. But then my fiancee will never leave his family. We have both talked about it,but we have decided to goour own way. I feel I can not let myfamily down. It hurts me to leave my church that I call family because of my young sisters sin. But i feel deep within that I need to do this for her....please give me advise.

I am glad Katie that you found the post helpful. ...

2011-11-22T22:51:57.553-05:00

I am glad Katie that you found the post helpful. And truly, leaving a church does feel like a breakup...it can be very painful. I trust the big issue is that because everyone is at a different age and stage that you all are at, it has made it difficult to forge relationships.

As you leave, please take to heart the post and do all you can to validate and encourage your spiritual Shepherds.

Having been a pastor, and seeing this situation through their eyes, let me tell you that this is going to be hard for them to hear that you are leaving, because since you said that most of what you've experienced has been good, insofar as the care and investment of the spiritual leaders, they may find it hard to understand your need to leave.

But ultimately we must do and go where God directs, and of course you can't remain in a church, merely to please others. But I fear that it will be a very painful parting for both you and them. But even with the pain, it can be done with grace, charity, love, respect and honor.

This post is so helpful. My husband and I are leav...

2011-11-22T20:33:03.411-05:00

This post is so helpful. My husband and I are leaving our current church simply for lack of community. We are one of the few young married couples w/o kids (we are newlyweds) and we've tried this whole year to build up friendships with very little success. Our pastors have a lot invested in us and we love them dearly, and leaving this church really does feel like a terrible break-up. WE want it to work oh-so-badly, but it just isn't working. Thanks for the encouragement and validation. We hope to leave on great terms, to be thankful for what we had while we had it, and to move forward in a new place.

Here are a couple points... Write it out in a let...

2011-11-21T18:50:48.727-05:00

Here are a couple points...

Write it out in a letter and send it.
Be firm..that you are leaving...don't say I "feel" it's time to leave...you must be more determined, clear and definite..i.e use Active tenses rather than passive tense in the wording of your letter. Because if you sound undetermined, unclear, or uncertain - they are going to feel compelled to want to talk you out of it.

Also, be thankful...like you were in your comments...that you are grateful for them at a previous time in your life, keep it positive, promise in the letter that you will not speak negatively about the church upon you leaving etc...

Those are just some thoughts,

bill

I want to say Thank you first that I found this fo...

2011-11-21T17:50:19.619-05:00

I want to say Thank you first that I found this forum, I am leaving a small church, whom the Pastor and all the members are family except my daughter and I. I am grateful to the church for being there for me, my daughter was baptized there but I feel it's time to leave. I been praying long and hard, I am nervous because they are very much controlling. I ofter go to church feeling worse than I did when I came. Can you give any advice of what to say. I really don't want to do a face to face because what should be a cordial exit will definitely turn out ugly. HELP!

I am so glad I found this article. I left my churc...

2011-11-09T17:31:36.505-05:00

I am so glad I found this article. I left my church, the one that I grew up in and attended all of my life about a year ago. My parents left about 4 years before me and it was painful but I stayed. My pastor married me and my husband but shortly after we married and had the birth of our two children 13 months a part we were strained on making the 200 mile round trip journey to a church. We had been making this drive for years as singles and it just never seemed it was enough. If we were late we would hear comments about how lateness is a lukewarm spirit. If we only attended one service then we were not vested in our spirital growth. Never mind the hardship financially and physically as we spent the time in between services camped out at the church with other families who traveled the same distance. It became burdensome to attend church. My husband and I had a decsion to make conerning our family that we made without getting counsel from our pastor, he admonished us for going over his "Godly counsel" and that was the breaking point. All of my life I had been taught to submit on issues that I didn't see due to Godly counsel on the issue. A year later we are at a good church that has provided us love and healing but I still feel guilt for leaving because I am friends with members who still attend. It has been said that if you can resolve and issue with the ministry you should still be able to attend the church and refusal to attend means you haven't resolved the issue. I am clear in my heart. I still have pain because I grew up in that church from the age of 2, so I lost relationships I had with people all of my life. I know I am seen as not being saved because I no longer adhere to the "standards", (dress, jewlery, makeup ect) and that I believe is what hurts. We spoke to him prior to leaving and he was against it, he urged me to take a stand against my husband but I didn't want to worship seperately from him. That has caused deeper pain with my husband. Its all just a big emotional mess. Please pray for me because I don't want to not go to heaven because I don't want to attend the first and only church I have ever been to...

I read the comments here and I am amazed at how mu...

2011-11-04T07:46:37.462-04:00

I read the comments here and I am amazed at how much people view their pastors...not entirely in a good way. We are, after all, all just bond servants of God and each one has a role to play in God's work.

This made me think of how much do I really pray for my pastor? Pastors are people just like us with a specific set of gifts and skills and they sure cant be a lot of things to a lot of people all at the same time. It's humanely impossible. But they were called definitely by God to feed and care for His sheep....in their many forms, colors, shapes and sizes.

For a pastor to do that it would take many years of getting to know the people God gave him to care for. His main task is to pray for them, to love them and feed them with God's Word so they can do the work of sharing Christ to others.

I think a pastor can be all of the above (except the catatonic) depending on the needs of the people and the stage that they are in. A good pastor can be anyone that God requires of him for His people. At one point he can be catalytic to help people grow but when he sees the people burning out due to too much excitement and stress he can become a chaplain or cultivating type. When conflicts arise he need to be a conflict-quelling pastor. While doing all of these he can never ever become catatonic as he trusts God to lead him in caring for the people and growing the work as God planned. He may even be pastoring a work that God called to remain simple and small and yet if he is faithful in that then he is doing God's work the way God wants it. All of these he can accomplish only through Christ.

Therefore how or when or why the church grows does not depend on the pastor nor the people...it is after all God's work and He will be gracious to whom He wants to be gracious. There is nothing we can do to make others believe God or accept Jesus. That is the Holy Spirit's work. We can only love God and others as ourselves. Doing that alone takes up so much of our heart, mind and strength. Attempts to attribute more than that to ourselves are just motivated by self-pride and ego.

- c.bessy

@Bill: Thank you so much for yr thoughtful and pr...

2011-11-04T00:16:07.969-04:00

@Bill:

Thank you so much for yr thoughtful and prayerful reply.

I have been continually praying about the situation. Finally one of the elders now allowed me to take a sabbatical leave from one of the ministries I'm handling. By God's grace during that talk I was able to open up some of the concerns and the elder responded with an open heart and we prayed together about it.

I have now talked to the other elder to allow me to take a leave from the other ministry as well but he would not say yes. God taught me how to use this as an opportunity to continue to love him - in short, to be patient, respectful etc, since they are only speaking from blindness. Like the first one, I also said I will pray some more about it before coming to a final decision. In that talk God allowed me to reinforce to him my allegiance to God beyond that of ministry responsibilities. God has not allowed me yet to open up with him certain things that I was able to open up with the first elder since he still views even taking a leave from the ministry as tantamount to betrayal of God's calling. I am humbled that even in these difficult times God continues to teach me how to go beyond all that is seen, beyond myself and learn how to love others with His love.

Thank you again for your post but more so for your prayers. Truly God's love casts out all fear.

- c. bessy

@Pastor M - thank you for your honesty and sharing...

2011-10-24T21:59:51.838-04:00

@Pastor M - thank you for your honesty and sharing your heart and story. I pray that God gives you courage and His peace and power as you go in obedience to His call.

May God bless you, bill

Wow This article is so helpful. I have been searc...

2011-10-24T21:22:54.336-04:00

Wow

This article is so helpful. I have been searching the net for 3 years for an article like this. I am glad I only found it now. As back then my heart was filled with bitterness and resentment towards my leaders. As I could not find anything that had set guidelines to assist a church move. I went on my knees and ask God to clear my heart and deliver me from all negative feelings.

I stayed and God has brought about great change in me and the church. It is not perfect (but what church is) but it is making progress.

I am finally leaving and was experiencing great pain and guilt. My pastor also made me feel this way as he said I was abandoning the church and demanded I give a reason why I was leaving. He kept on stressing that we are all happy and have no issues and with one another. Though there are many things that I did not like at the church, I was willing to work pass them and address each issue at a time but my time was up. I had no reason apart form that reason "The Lord is leading me".

My pastor simply said If was starting my own church, he would be happier about the decision as he could be apart of it but he was not happy about me moving on to help another church. He was ready to support a new church plant asap, but my heart was for other local ministries who needed help to train people and reach the local community.

To be honest I have been waiting for this deep pain to leave and have remained at the church, though I have had many nudging by the holy spirit and confirmation from respected ministers I have not gone. It took me a while to get over the teaching they taught that you will be cursed for leaving and things might not go well and the only way you can leave a church is if God speaks to the leaders that it is time to send you out. Studying the bible helped me realize that this is not true and not in the bible. It is a tool of manipulation.

Now the pastor and his wife have preached about being faithful, betrayal of the ministry and abandoning people every service since I spoke with him. It is getting uncomfortable and really do not want to be there. He has totally ignored my wish to leave (which they have done over the years)I fully understand the pain form both perspectives but I wish people would not hold onto people like this and I pray God gives me the strength not to be the same and hold on to the team or church members at this new place. God uses people to build church and us leaders must be careful that we do not forget it is God that builds and stop thinking our churches will not grow without certain people.

I am going to have to be deliberate (Bill) and just go (very painful). I have been here for 12 years and the only person who has remained from the original people who was there in the beginning.

As he has always rejected my leaving, it seems giving notices to leave mean nothing as he ignores and does not tell the church members.

I pray readers of this blog and comments keep a pure heart and if you have any bitterness please ask our Father in heaven for help. I pray you become planted and committed wherever God has placed you.

Thanks again.

Pastor M

Dear C.Bessy, I hope you understand that it is har...

2011-10-03T09:53:23.520-04:00

Dear C.Bessy, I hope you understand that it is hard to answer your questions fully, since I am not privy to all the details and circumstances. But the fact that you continue to struggle with this issue, may be God's prompting for you to make a break. Too often the difficulties we face are our own. Our own fears. Our own insecurities. I know that it is risky to make that break,and there may be some blowback and fallout...but if you are leading on God for wisdom and moving forward with humility and seek Him, then God will give you the strength to push through the hardship and difficulty. Because no matter how difficult a situation one may leave, it is always sad and emotional. It is like a divorce.

I hope you find the strength and wisdom you need in this very trying and difficult situation and are able to come through it with your faith strong.

Thank you for this post. I have been with this ch...

2011-10-03T00:21:46.503-04:00

Thank you for this post.

I have been with this church for 25 years right after I became born again. I was the first one in my family and now all of them attend the same church. Most of us have been faithfully serving this church-family in different ministries starting on my 15th year in the church. In no other time have I thought bad or unwell of our leaders and when there are people who say otherwise or say their questions out loud I would be the first one to lovingly point them to the discipline of submitting to authorities.

But recently God opened my eyes to some practices our leaders has been doing that does not match with God's word. It was a terrible time for me personally as I struggled with the realization and what and how to go from hereon. It was worse than experiencing death in the family to realize how some of the practices in the church are actually against God's word. I felt personally betrayed. The idea seemed preposterous at first but soon the truth just clicked in my brain. It explained away all the many little questions that I had at the back of my mind which I did not heed to before. But in God's mercy and grace I was able to make sense of it and is now planning on taking a leave from my ministries and with some courage and more prayer I would hope to deliberately resign from said church. It is so difficult because of all the friends I have there which I already consider as family. I cannot tell these friends yet what is my real reason for fear that they will encounter the same incredulity and struggles I went through. What if I was wrong? I wished I was wrong but God would not let me sleep and kept me awake at nights with the things He opened to me in His word and through witnesses/experiences. I asked these friends in church to understand why I cannot tell the leaders yet and also them of all my reasons but they would not allow me to even take a leave and gave me reasons of how I am vital to the ministry and how they value me in the team. I spoke to one of our elders and same thing they would not allow me to take a leave. I do not want to be in this situation but I also would not want to influence them if what I am about to say would mean their world will crumble as I have experienced with the discovery of these things. I know that with God's help I have nothing to fear in speaking out what's true but Im torn with the thought of causing them pain. I know that sometimes we need to hurt people if we truly love them. But its not easy. God impressed upon me to wait it out and things will be more clear. And that He is sovereign and no one can thwart His plans.

Thanks for your post because Ive been reading so much about cultic christianity, how to identify if you are in one, etc, before this and reading this post somehow balances what Ive learned with having the heart for the people in my church who are as blind as I was before.

Do you think I was going about this in a way that is still pleasing to God? Because after learning these unbiblical practices I was so scared that I will continue to mislead the teams/ppl that they have entrusted to me that's why I asked to take a leave first so I wont take part in any of them with the hope I can resign right after I make full sense of everything in God's perfect time.

But if one must leave as you said one must do it deliberately, graciously and thankfully.

C.Bessy

Great article. It was really informative. Please c...

2011-09-19T16:51:03.093-04:00

Great article. It was really informative. Please check out this article ===> Set Our Hearts Ablaze http://ow.ly/6yJvC

I am sorry that you are going through this...obvio...

2011-09-17T22:28:38.714-04:00

I am sorry that you are going through this...obviously not being intimately involved in all the particulars and details, it's hard for me to advise...except for the fact that it is important that you find a church body where you are cared for, spiritually feed, and a place that isn't spiritually abusive.

I hate my church I really do, what happened was wh...

2011-09-17T16:11:57.223-04:00

I hate my church I really do, what happened was when I was first saved I was asked to join to get baptised, the truth is I was Catholic before and I was baptised before and have no interest in baptised again. I was asked by a women in the church and I said I would think about the truth, I was really just thinking of a way to tell her in the nicest posible way that I rather jump of cliff than have my head dunked under water in a dress infront of hundred people. Number 1 its a show, God don't care its a badge of honour for these people, baptising catholics its like sending a sheep to the lambs. Back to the story after service on Sunday said to me "I told the pastor your going to be baptisted" she smiled I should be happy about this, I was shocked that someone could make that sort of decition for me. After that I really don't like my church, I have been looking around for a church but because I have no transport and I have to look after my mother I can't travel to far because I can't leave her that long by herself. My friend said leaving a church its a great way of backsliding. So here is the problem I don't really wanna leave because even doe tha women is annoying and so is the pastor and his wife, I do have friends at the church and haven't been to church in two weeks. I miss my friend but I really dont like my church.