If you are a pastor, then you understand the feelings when someone or a family leaves your church. Even though you may do everything you can to close the "backdoor", it is inevitable that people are going to leave your church.
So how do you encourage people to leave "well", if they are already determined to leave?
Below are a couple of great thoughts on how to leave well. (I have posted Jolley's thoughts in full)
PUTTING ASUNDER: SOME THOUGHTS ON HOW TO QUIT YOUR CHURCH by REED JOLLEY
After ten great years, it’s time for our family to leave this church. She said this over a cup of coffee and with a hint of tears in her eyes. She wanted me to know that their family’s sojourn with Santa Barbara Community Church had been a pleasant one, that they had grown in their faith, and that they would miss the people. She wanted to express her gratitude and let me know why they needed to leave….
It’s fairly easy to find a book or an article that tells you how to choose and join a church. Eugene Peterson, for example, writes in one of his books that it’s a good idea to choose the church that is the smallest and closest to your home. On the other hand, Ted Haggard says somewhere that we should ask where God seems to be moving and then get as near to that place as possible. Fair enough. But what about leaving a church? American evangelicals shuffle all too often from church to church, following the movements and fancies of the moment, but that’s not what I’m addressing here. I’m talking about when there are legitimate reasons for leaving a local body of believers.
First, however, let me say that our loyalty to our church should be stronger than our attraction to the better praise band down the street or to the in-depth preacher who just took a job at the church on the corner. Leaving a church should feel like leaving a marriage. It should hurt because we have lived our lives with a group of people, and now we are leaving. But, again, there are legitimate reasons to leave. Doctrinal considerations or the specific needs of our children are, for instance, two valid reasons for leaving a church. When a church is moving in a direction that an individual or a family feels is contrary to God’s Word, that is another prudent reason for making a change.
But how should one leave? The usual method is to slither out the back door with the hope that no one notices. Over the years I’ve had numerous conversations with people who have left Santa Barbara Community Church, conversations that are sometimes embarrassing and sometimes hurtful. Haven’t seen you in a while, I say as we pass on State Street. Is everything okay? Then I learn that this person has moved to another church for whatever reason. I’m quick to try to relieve the embarrassment. Assuming this person has moved to a good church, I say something like Well, may God bless you and keep you. . . That’s a great church, and I’m sure it will be better with you in it. We’re all on the same team in the Body of Christ. We’ll miss you.
But these conversations—while cordial and sincere—are hurtful because they happen accidentally. A serendipitous encounter at the grocery store should not be the moment to announce that three months ago you left your church. When I have these encounters, I find myself thinking as a pastor, I’ve prayed for this person and invested my life in this family. I performed his wedding and dedicated his baby. Besides, aren’t we members of the same church universal? How could he and his family leave without so much as a good-bye?
So how do we leave a church? I offer the following suggestions:
First, leave deliberately. Don’t slither or slide. Don’t wander hither and yonder. When it’s time to go, go—and then go become an integral part of another good, Bible-believing, Christ-saturated church. The New Testament knows nothing of individual believers taking a little from here and sampling a little from over there. The biblical doctrine of the church describes a body of believers deeply committed to Christ and to one another.
Second, go graciously. Has your theology changed to the extent that you need to join a different church? Have the needs of your family or your work schedule compelled you to make a move? Fine. Move, but move graciously. Resist the temptation to concentrate on the warts and blemishes of the church you are leaving. (You’ll find, soon enough, that your new church has a few of these too!) It is important that you leave your church graciously and join your new church graciously. Eugene Peterson writes:
Every time I move to a new community, I find a church close by and join it—committing myself to worship and work with that company of God's people. I've never been anything other than disappointed. Everyone turns out to be biblical, through and through: murmurers, complainers, the faithless, the inconstant, those plagued with doubt and riddled with sin, boring moralizers, glamorous secularizers. Every once in a while a shaft of blazing beauty seems to break out of nowhere and illuminate these companies, and then I see what my sin-dulled eyes had missed: Word of God-shaped, Holy Spirit-created lives of sacrificial humility, incredible courage, heroic virtue, holy praise, joyful suffering, constant prayer, persevering obedience.
Third, go thankfully. I write as a man who has been a pastor of the same church for almost three decades. During these years many people have left our church (some of them because of me). To be honest, some of the people who have left I don’t miss much. And others I miss sorely. But I always appreciate the one who takes the trouble to say good-bye.
Embarrassing or awkward as it may be, have an exit interview with one of the leaders, elders, or pastors of the church you are leaving. Explain the reasons for your departure, express your gratitude for their hard work, and commit yourself to praying for the church with which you will no longer be associated. These exit interviews are rare, but they are sweet. Pastors care about people. So when someone comes to me, shares where God seems to be leading her, and gives thanks for her season of involvement at SBCC, I beam with joy. Pastors are not running a business and trying to get more customers. Pastors are shepherds of a flock. On our good days we are not jealous of our sheep; we have their best interests at heart. Still, it is rarely easy to hear someone say, I gotta go. . . In fact, it always hurts. But the pain is softened when we learn that he or she is going to settle in a godly congregation of Christ-exalting believers. After all, we’re on the same team working for the same purposes.
Church membership and church involvement are serious undertakings. When we meet Christ, we are saved into the church. The Bible speaks of our being members of one another (Romans 12:4-5). We are joined together in Christ (Ephesians 4:15-16). We eat from one loaf and drink from one cup (Ephesians 4:4-5). We are to carry one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). We might even find ourselves selling our property in order to meet another’s needs (Acts 4:32ff.). We are to be a forgiving community (Colossians 3:13) that is deeply in love with one another (John 13:34). The church is a precious gift to God’s people. Christ died to bring the church into being (Ephesians 5:25)! The church is the mantelpiece of God, the display of God’s splendor before the angels (Ephesians 3:10)! So let us take care that we cherish the organism that Christ suffered to create—and may God bless his church!
(ht: Buzzard)
So how do you encourage people to leave "well", if they are already determined to leave?
Below are a couple of great thoughts on how to leave well. (I have posted Jolley's thoughts in full)
PUTTING ASUNDER: SOME THOUGHTS ON HOW TO QUIT YOUR CHURCH by REED JOLLEY
After ten great years, it’s time for our family to leave this church. She said this over a cup of coffee and with a hint of tears in her eyes. She wanted me to know that their family’s sojourn with Santa Barbara Community Church had been a pleasant one, that they had grown in their faith, and that they would miss the people. She wanted to express her gratitude and let me know why they needed to leave….
It’s fairly easy to find a book or an article that tells you how to choose and join a church. Eugene Peterson, for example, writes in one of his books that it’s a good idea to choose the church that is the smallest and closest to your home. On the other hand, Ted Haggard says somewhere that we should ask where God seems to be moving and then get as near to that place as possible. Fair enough. But what about leaving a church? American evangelicals shuffle all too often from church to church, following the movements and fancies of the moment, but that’s not what I’m addressing here. I’m talking about when there are legitimate reasons for leaving a local body of believers.
First, however, let me say that our loyalty to our church should be stronger than our attraction to the better praise band down the street or to the in-depth preacher who just took a job at the church on the corner. Leaving a church should feel like leaving a marriage. It should hurt because we have lived our lives with a group of people, and now we are leaving. But, again, there are legitimate reasons to leave. Doctrinal considerations or the specific needs of our children are, for instance, two valid reasons for leaving a church. When a church is moving in a direction that an individual or a family feels is contrary to God’s Word, that is another prudent reason for making a change.
But how should one leave? The usual method is to slither out the back door with the hope that no one notices. Over the years I’ve had numerous conversations with people who have left Santa Barbara Community Church, conversations that are sometimes embarrassing and sometimes hurtful. Haven’t seen you in a while, I say as we pass on State Street. Is everything okay? Then I learn that this person has moved to another church for whatever reason. I’m quick to try to relieve the embarrassment. Assuming this person has moved to a good church, I say something like Well, may God bless you and keep you. . . That’s a great church, and I’m sure it will be better with you in it. We’re all on the same team in the Body of Christ. We’ll miss you.
But these conversations—while cordial and sincere—are hurtful because they happen accidentally. A serendipitous encounter at the grocery store should not be the moment to announce that three months ago you left your church. When I have these encounters, I find myself thinking as a pastor, I’ve prayed for this person and invested my life in this family. I performed his wedding and dedicated his baby. Besides, aren’t we members of the same church universal? How could he and his family leave without so much as a good-bye?
So how do we leave a church? I offer the following suggestions:
First, leave deliberately. Don’t slither or slide. Don’t wander hither and yonder. When it’s time to go, go—and then go become an integral part of another good, Bible-believing, Christ-saturated church. The New Testament knows nothing of individual believers taking a little from here and sampling a little from over there. The biblical doctrine of the church describes a body of believers deeply committed to Christ and to one another.
Second, go graciously. Has your theology changed to the extent that you need to join a different church? Have the needs of your family or your work schedule compelled you to make a move? Fine. Move, but move graciously. Resist the temptation to concentrate on the warts and blemishes of the church you are leaving. (You’ll find, soon enough, that your new church has a few of these too!) It is important that you leave your church graciously and join your new church graciously. Eugene Peterson writes:
Every time I move to a new community, I find a church close by and join it—committing myself to worship and work with that company of God's people. I've never been anything other than disappointed. Everyone turns out to be biblical, through and through: murmurers, complainers, the faithless, the inconstant, those plagued with doubt and riddled with sin, boring moralizers, glamorous secularizers. Every once in a while a shaft of blazing beauty seems to break out of nowhere and illuminate these companies, and then I see what my sin-dulled eyes had missed: Word of God-shaped, Holy Spirit-created lives of sacrificial humility, incredible courage, heroic virtue, holy praise, joyful suffering, constant prayer, persevering obedience.
Third, go thankfully. I write as a man who has been a pastor of the same church for almost three decades. During these years many people have left our church (some of them because of me). To be honest, some of the people who have left I don’t miss much. And others I miss sorely. But I always appreciate the one who takes the trouble to say good-bye.
Embarrassing or awkward as it may be, have an exit interview with one of the leaders, elders, or pastors of the church you are leaving. Explain the reasons for your departure, express your gratitude for their hard work, and commit yourself to praying for the church with which you will no longer be associated. These exit interviews are rare, but they are sweet. Pastors care about people. So when someone comes to me, shares where God seems to be leading her, and gives thanks for her season of involvement at SBCC, I beam with joy. Pastors are not running a business and trying to get more customers. Pastors are shepherds of a flock. On our good days we are not jealous of our sheep; we have their best interests at heart. Still, it is rarely easy to hear someone say, I gotta go. . . In fact, it always hurts. But the pain is softened when we learn that he or she is going to settle in a godly congregation of Christ-exalting believers. After all, we’re on the same team working for the same purposes.
Church membership and church involvement are serious undertakings. When we meet Christ, we are saved into the church. The Bible speaks of our being members of one another (Romans 12:4-5). We are joined together in Christ (Ephesians 4:15-16). We eat from one loaf and drink from one cup (Ephesians 4:4-5). We are to carry one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). We might even find ourselves selling our property in order to meet another’s needs (Acts 4:32ff.). We are to be a forgiving community (Colossians 3:13) that is deeply in love with one another (John 13:34). The church is a precious gift to God’s people. Christ died to bring the church into being (Ephesians 5:25)! The church is the mantelpiece of God, the display of God’s splendor before the angels (Ephesians 3:10)! So let us take care that we cherish the organism that Christ suffered to create—and may God bless his church!
(ht: Buzzard)
42 comments:
A couple of years ago I had some folk leave who didn't do it so well. They were unhappy (as am I) with developments in our denomination with regard to homosexuality. The way the leaving was done caused unnecessary pain. Had they followed the wise counsel above, I suspect the pain would have been considerably reduced.
Gene, I think that is the key. There will always be pain in leaving, that is inevitable. But the key is reducing the pain and avoiding unnecessary hurt.
i recently left my church of 4 years. i tried to talk with them but still felt God wanted my to leave. i felt pushed in a corner and condemned and I don't know what i did. Everytime I was serving, I felt criticized. i ultimately did not show up for children's ministry of only 2 children on the church's anniversary, which I am not proud of, but they would not take no for an answer. i think you can try to leave the right way, but some churches do not listen to their flock. i am okay with my decision. They still want to talk to resolve this, but i feel i have moved on. i could write a letter, but i don't think it would accomplish much, because i am angry about the treatment i received. Any suggestions?
Not knowing all the particulars...I would say by "resolving it", if they mean to have you come back, that doesn't need to be pursued..you've moved on.
But you've not moved on emotionally, you did say you are angry. And perhaps you need to have a face to face for closure. so you can express you hurt and feelings, they can hear it, and you can hear their thoughts and perspectives. It may give you closure and healing.
I want to leave my Church because my Pastor complains about everything I f\do as a worker of the Church, he want other people to take charge because they believe they can do a better job than I can, but where were they when I organized these posotions? I don't feel as if he should have asked me to step dowm in front of the congregation, bwfore confronting me first.
I just posted a comment and had two erros typed, please me.
will I be recieving an answer?
sure, Anonymous, I got your comment....
I am sorry that you experience this deep hurt and public humiliation. Have you had a private discussion with your pastor on how you feel?
It is very difficult leaving your church. I was a youth leader and was replaced by a married couple but the pastor wanted to me to say on as assistant leader, I resigned as I felt my season was over. Leaving the church was very difficult and I was extremely hurt by some circumstances but I left the church explaining my reasons and on good terms with the leadership, at times I visit. Sometimes we just have to be obedient to God no matter how we feel but its important not to burn bridge if that is possible but I have seen so many leave because of hurt and that is heart breaking. Thank you for this post.
It's very difficult to leave the church family that has been there for you. Everyone agrees with women being ordained as elders but I don't. I don't want to leave but I'm not comfortable with what's going on, there are some that also feel as I do but chooses to stay. I'm so confused and emotional on what I should do
@anonymous.. it is hard to make an assessment based on a thumbnail sketch of your situation...but you must weigh whether the issue you are facing is a conviction level issue...would you die on the hill over it...if so, then you may need to leave...if not, you may have the ability to stay and be there even though you don't agree with the theological stance of the church.
I serve as a layminister of church for 7 yrs. And I am thinking about leaving please pray for me.
I will.
In my current Church, we have a leader who is being allowed to break both God's laws and man's. He had a serious past issue that created much of the legal problem, but he also added to it in recent months. Multple times. This is not being addressed by our Pastor, nor Elders, and some members may not even have a clue. He has outright lied or sugar-coated his offenses and some of his issues could hurt somebody and very well destroy not only himself, but our whole Church. When my spouse and I discussed this with our Pastor, our concerns were dismissed. This man's behavior has continued to deteriorate, and now we see that we must either leave, or start an ugly battle. We may win, but at what cost? Not fighting also means this man may hurt someone, and we might have prevented it.
I want to leave right now. My spouse is torn. Any thoughts?
I would leave, don't start an ugly battle. The reason not to battle is because you've already addressed this to the pastor and have had your concerns dismissed - you would get no satisfaction in battling over it. You will just have to turn over your concerns to the Lord - it is His church and he will deal with the leader. But for now, you need to leave and find a healthy church to be a part of.
Thank you!
Please pray for my husband and I, as we are talking again with our Pastor and his wife about leaving our small church. The first conversation was to ask them to pray with and for us about our feelings that we might need to change churches. We are confident now, after two more weeks of praying and much confirmation in the Word and through prayer with faithful friends/advisors (we had been praying for a couple of months prior to this when the thought first came to us), and are now telling them that we have decided to go. I have a LOT of reasons why I am not comfortable there anymore, but I think the great thing is that God has just been clearing the discomfort for me and helping me to see that a lot of the discomfort came when I began to pray about something that God had originally wanted me to do. The prayer to decide to leave was innocent and, I now see, Spirit-led. It was my EMOTIONS AND FEARS that led me to consider why I might be leaving - I felt I had to have a REASON to leave - not that God was just prompting us to go. I didn't feel that could be a good enough reason. So, in the ensuing months, I found ALL kinds of reasons to leave. Hah! They were issues that were there all along, but before, I was motivated to serve anyway, and see how I could be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. After feeling led to leave, I began to think I should not have done all that. That I had been brainwashed and am now seeing the light. All of that is not true. I see that now. I am so thankful that I have seen that before the conversation I am about to have with Pastor tonight. I am going to enter the conversation with a repentant heart. I need to apologize for seeking reasons to leave, and then tell him what the truth had been from the beginning. I was just afraid to tell him we were leaving because I was afraid if I didn't have a good reason, he would be disappointed in me. It is a small church, and so many have left with no word to them whatsoever, and those who have left after speaking with them, have found that Pastor and his wife do not have a relationship with them anymore. They are often slightly slandered after leaving (everyone was just hurt, though, that is all). It was my own pride that has been getting in the way of me leaving properly. Please pray that Pastor understands and will bless us in our move. We want to do right by him. He and his wife have given us so much - even if they (or we!) have not been perfect. (sorry for the lack of clarity in parts - this is very emotional)
I am currently thinking of leaving my church.but i am so emotionally torn apart. i am confused with some of the doctrines that our church follows. but i am afraid to talk to my family and pastors about it. firstly because that will be questioning the very fundamental beliefs of the church,so i know they will not take that kindly. my parents have been in this church for more than 40 years,and i have been a member all my 25 years. i have never visited any chrch in my life but i just feel i need to leave inoder to grow spiritually. how do i do this without hurting anyone?how do i deal with the emotions of guilt that i am having?
You are certainly in a very difficult situation, since you've been in the same church for such a long time. Unfortunately there will be hurt and pain. Some people will not understand, and they will feel betrayed. In terms of making the transition, do you have any Christian friends, outside your current church, where you can visit their church with them. Visiting other churches with someone you know, can make the process much easier. Please don't despair - even through the difficulty, you will experience blessings on the other side - it may take time...and it will hurt...but you will be glad once you've arrived and planted yourself in another church, where you can grow and thrive.
Bill. I wanted to say thank you for this article/post. I left my church a month ago due to various reasons, the greater being the constant mishandling of Gods word (twisting to fit pastor's agenda,etc). I take church membership seriously and I really love local church ministry, to leave was a confusing time, questioning myself, sifting through emotions and the constant reminding myself of what God says in His word to keep me steadfast. Your points helped me a lot. I spent a much time in Scripture, took time to talk to the pastor (was ignored) and then decided it was time. I was the Church Administrator and Clerk, made sure what had to be done was in order and whoever stepped in could just step in without problems.
1. I left deliberately and there was no question I was gone. I wrote a letter and after 7 drafts settled with a simple 1 paragraph of why I couldn't serve anymore. That's how I left graciously. Though I wanted to tear up one side and down the other, I got over that emotion with God's help and moved on.
Leaving Thankfully: I was thankful to be out of there if that counts! No one has bothered to contact me and all the pastor said is "can we still be friends".
I encourage anyone to seriously evaluate their motives and methods when leaving a church they have been a part of. Don't take it lightly, the responsibility we have to the Lord and His people goes beyond personality conflicts and carpet colors. When it comes to doctrine and blatant false teaching, if you can't contend for the faith, then shake the dust from your feet.
But Bill, thank you. I read this just as my time was coming to an end at my former church and it helped me to focus and keep my exit clean and simple.
@LB, you are welcome - and I am so glad that the Lord led you to this post at this time, when you needed it most. May God bless you and lead you toward another church and body that will bring life and spiritual health and growth for you.
Bill, My family has been at the same church for almost 22 years...My husband has served at a Elder for numerous years and I have served as the music director for 19 years. We have been praying for the last several months about moving on and leaving this chapter in our lives. It is so hard to leave this church because it is our family. However we both feel spiritually drained. There have been so many blessings to us and our family throughout our time here at this church. There have also been so very difficult time as well. But God has been with us giving us strength. My husband just doesn't want to be there anymore. Until now I just felt like that was where we were suppose to be. We raised our family in this church and none of our children are attending there anymore. They have all moved on to other places. Our church is currently experiencing some financial strains we are so torn about leaving but feel that our spiritual relationship is at risk. I recently attended a family camp where the speaker talked about many of the issues I have spoken about. I am now convicted more than ever that the time for us to go is now....I know that God is speaking to my heart and I just want to make sure that I am listening to him and not listening to me....After reading this article I just want to make sure that we do right by God, the Church and our family in Christ..
Well, the positive thing from your comments is that you aren't just being capricious and leaving, but rather you are being prayerful and sober about it. It sounds like you have any indication that the Lord is calling you to move on...the difficulties you are facing are the feelings of guilt and fear of the unknown as you move forward. Those are natural. Truly the next steps are going to be the most important. Leaving well.. Doing it with grace and in a way that honors the church, the people, the pastor and Christ. I have other articles on my site that talk about how to move forward in that process, that might be of help.
I hate my church I really do, what happened was when I was first saved I was asked to join to get baptised, the truth is I was Catholic before and I was baptised before and have no interest in baptised again. I was asked by a women in the church and I said I would think about the truth, I was really just thinking of a way to tell her in the nicest posible way that I rather jump of cliff than have my head dunked under water in a dress infront of hundred people. Number 1 its a show, God don't care its a badge of honour for these people, baptising catholics its like sending a sheep to the lambs. Back to the story after service on Sunday said to me "I told the pastor your going to be baptisted" she smiled I should be happy about this, I was shocked that someone could make that sort of decition for me. After that I really don't like my church, I have been looking around for a church but because I have no transport and I have to look after my mother I can't travel to far because I can't leave her that long by herself. My friend said leaving a church its a great way of backsliding. So here is the problem I don't really wanna leave because even doe tha women is annoying and so is the pastor and his wife, I do have friends at the church and haven't been to church in two weeks. I miss my friend but I really dont like my church.
I am sorry that you are going through this...obviously not being intimately involved in all the particulars and details, it's hard for me to advise...except for the fact that it is important that you find a church body where you are cared for, spiritually feed, and a place that isn't spiritually abusive.
Thank you for this post.
I have been with this church for 25 years right after I became born again. I was the first one in my family and now all of them attend the same church. Most of us have been faithfully serving this church-family in different ministries starting on my 15th year in the church. In no other time have I thought bad or unwell of our leaders and when there are people who say otherwise or say their questions out loud I would be the first one to lovingly point them to the discipline of submitting to authorities.
But recently God opened my eyes to some practices our leaders has been doing that does not match with God's word. It was a terrible time for me personally as I struggled with the realization and what and how to go from hereon. It was worse than experiencing death in the family to realize how some of the practices in the church are actually against God's word. I felt personally betrayed. The idea seemed preposterous at first but soon the truth just clicked in my brain. It explained away all the many little questions that I had at the back of my mind which I did not heed to before. But in God's mercy and grace I was able to make sense of it and is now planning on taking a leave from my ministries and with some courage and more prayer I would hope to deliberately resign from said church. It is so difficult because of all the friends I have there which I already consider as family. I cannot tell these friends yet what is my real reason for fear that they will encounter the same incredulity and struggles I went through. What if I was wrong? I wished I was wrong but God would not let me sleep and kept me awake at nights with the things He opened to me in His word and through witnesses/experiences. I asked these friends in church to understand why I cannot tell the leaders yet and also them of all my reasons but they would not allow me to even take a leave and gave me reasons of how I am vital to the ministry and how they value me in the team. I spoke to one of our elders and same thing they would not allow me to take a leave. I do not want to be in this situation but I also would not want to influence them if what I am about to say would mean their world will crumble as I have experienced with the discovery of these things. I know that with God's help I have nothing to fear in speaking out what's true but Im torn with the thought of causing them pain. I know that sometimes we need to hurt people if we truly love them. But its not easy. God impressed upon me to wait it out and things will be more clear. And that He is sovereign and no one can thwart His plans.
Thanks for your post because Ive been reading so much about cultic christianity, how to identify if you are in one, etc, before this and reading this post somehow balances what Ive learned with having the heart for the people in my church who are as blind as I was before.
Do you think I was going about this in a way that is still pleasing to God? Because after learning these unbiblical practices I was so scared that I will continue to mislead the teams/ppl that they have entrusted to me that's why I asked to take a leave first so I wont take part in any of them with the hope I can resign right after I make full sense of everything in God's perfect time.
But if one must leave as you said one must do it deliberately, graciously and thankfully.
C.Bessy
Dear C.Bessy, I hope you understand that it is hard to answer your questions fully, since I am not privy to all the details and circumstances. But the fact that you continue to struggle with this issue, may be God's prompting for you to make a break. Too often the difficulties we face are our own. Our own fears. Our own insecurities. I know that it is risky to make that break,and there may be some blowback and fallout...but if you are leading on God for wisdom and moving forward with humility and seek Him, then God will give you the strength to push through the hardship and difficulty. Because no matter how difficult a situation one may leave, it is always sad and emotional. It is like a divorce.
I hope you find the strength and wisdom you need in this very trying and difficult situation and are able to come through it with your faith strong.
Wow
This article is so helpful. I have been searching the net for 3 years for an article like this. I am glad I only found it now. As back then my heart was filled with bitterness and resentment towards my leaders. As I could not find anything that had set guidelines to assist a church move. I went on my knees and ask God to clear my heart and deliver me from all negative feelings.
I stayed and God has brought about great change in me and the church. It is not perfect (but what church is) but it is making progress.
I am finally leaving and was experiencing great pain and guilt. My pastor also made me feel this way as he said I was abandoning the church and demanded I give a reason why I was leaving. He kept on stressing that we are all happy and have no issues and with one another. Though there are many things that I did not like at the church, I was willing to work pass them and address each issue at a time but my time was up. I had no reason apart form that reason "The Lord is leading me".
My pastor simply said If was starting my own church, he would be happier about the decision as he could be apart of it but he was not happy about me moving on to help another church. He was ready to support a new church plant asap, but my heart was for other local ministries who needed help to train people and reach the local community.
To be honest I have been waiting for this deep pain to leave and have remained at the church, though I have had many nudging by the holy spirit and confirmation from respected ministers I have not gone. It took me a while to get over the teaching they taught that you will be cursed for leaving and things might not go well and the only way you can leave a church is if God speaks to the leaders that it is time to send you out. Studying the bible helped me realize that this is not true and not in the bible. It is a tool of manipulation.
Now the pastor and his wife have preached about being faithful, betrayal of the ministry and abandoning people every service since I spoke with him. It is getting uncomfortable and really do not want to be there. He has totally ignored my wish to leave (which they have done over the years)I fully understand the pain form both perspectives but I wish people would not hold onto people like this and I pray God gives me the strength not to be the same and hold on to the team or church members at this new place. God uses people to build church and us leaders must be careful that we do not forget it is God that builds and stop thinking our churches will not grow without certain people.
I am going to have to be deliberate (Bill) and just go (very painful). I have been here for 12 years and the only person who has remained from the original people who was there in the beginning.
As he has always rejected my leaving, it seems giving notices to leave mean nothing as he ignores and does not tell the church members.
I pray readers of this blog and comments keep a pure heart and if you have any bitterness please ask our Father in heaven for help. I pray you become planted and committed wherever God has placed you.
Thanks again.
Pastor M
@Pastor M - thank you for your honesty and sharing your heart and story. I pray that God gives you courage and His peace and power as you go in obedience to His call.
May God bless you, bill
@Bill:
Thank you so much for yr thoughtful and prayerful reply.
I have been continually praying about the situation. Finally one of the elders now allowed me to take a sabbatical leave from one of the ministries I'm handling. By God's grace during that talk I was able to open up some of the concerns and the elder responded with an open heart and we prayed together about it.
I have now talked to the other elder to allow me to take a leave from the other ministry as well but he would not say yes. God taught me how to use this as an opportunity to continue to love him - in short, to be patient, respectful etc, since they are only speaking from blindness. Like the first one, I also said I will pray some more about it before coming to a final decision. In that talk God allowed me to reinforce to him my allegiance to God beyond that of ministry responsibilities. God has not allowed me yet to open up with him certain things that I was able to open up with the first elder since he still views even taking a leave from the ministry as tantamount to betrayal of God's calling. I am humbled that even in these difficult times God continues to teach me how to go beyond all that is seen, beyond myself and learn how to love others with His love.
Thank you again for your post but more so for your prayers. Truly God's love casts out all fear.
- c. bessy
I am so glad I found this article. I left my church, the one that I grew up in and attended all of my life about a year ago. My parents left about 4 years before me and it was painful but I stayed. My pastor married me and my husband but shortly after we married and had the birth of our two children 13 months a part we were strained on making the 200 mile round trip journey to a church. We had been making this drive for years as singles and it just never seemed it was enough. If we were late we would hear comments about how lateness is a lukewarm spirit. If we only attended one service then we were not vested in our spirital growth. Never mind the hardship financially and physically as we spent the time in between services camped out at the church with other families who traveled the same distance. It became burdensome to attend church. My husband and I had a decsion to make conerning our family that we made without getting counsel from our pastor, he admonished us for going over his "Godly counsel" and that was the breaking point. All of my life I had been taught to submit on issues that I didn't see due to Godly counsel on the issue. A year later we are at a good church that has provided us love and healing but I still feel guilt for leaving because I am friends with members who still attend. It has been said that if you can resolve and issue with the ministry you should still be able to attend the church and refusal to attend means you haven't resolved the issue. I am clear in my heart. I still have pain because I grew up in that church from the age of 2, so I lost relationships I had with people all of my life. I know I am seen as not being saved because I no longer adhere to the "standards", (dress, jewlery, makeup ect) and that I believe is what hurts. We spoke to him prior to leaving and he was against it, he urged me to take a stand against my husband but I didn't want to worship seperately from him. That has caused deeper pain with my husband. Its all just a big emotional mess. Please pray for me because I don't want to not go to heaven because I don't want to attend the first and only church I have ever been to...
I want to say Thank you first that I found this forum, I am leaving a small church, whom the Pastor and all the members are family except my daughter and I. I am grateful to the church for being there for me, my daughter was baptized there but I feel it's time to leave. I been praying long and hard, I am nervous because they are very much controlling. I ofter go to church feeling worse than I did when I came. Can you give any advice of what to say. I really don't want to do a face to face because what should be a cordial exit will definitely turn out ugly. HELP!
Here are a couple points...
Write it out in a letter and send it.
Be firm..that you are leaving...don't say I "feel" it's time to leave...you must be more determined, clear and definite..i.e use Active tenses rather than passive tense in the wording of your letter. Because if you sound undetermined, unclear, or uncertain - they are going to feel compelled to want to talk you out of it.
Also, be thankful...like you were in your comments...that you are grateful for them at a previous time in your life, keep it positive, promise in the letter that you will not speak negatively about the church upon you leaving etc...
Those are just some thoughts,
bill
This post is so helpful. My husband and I are leaving our current church simply for lack of community. We are one of the few young married couples w/o kids (we are newlyweds) and we've tried this whole year to build up friendships with very little success. Our pastors have a lot invested in us and we love them dearly, and leaving this church really does feel like a terrible break-up. WE want it to work oh-so-badly, but it just isn't working. Thanks for the encouragement and validation. We hope to leave on great terms, to be thankful for what we had while we had it, and to move forward in a new place.
I am glad Katie that you found the post helpful. And truly, leaving a church does feel like a breakup...it can be very painful. I trust the big issue is that because everyone is at a different age and stage that you all are at, it has made it difficult to forge relationships.
As you leave, please take to heart the post and do all you can to validate and encourage your spiritual Shepherds.
Having been a pastor, and seeing this situation through their eyes, let me tell you that this is going to be hard for them to hear that you are leaving, because since you said that most of what you've experienced has been good, insofar as the care and investment of the spiritual leaders, they may find it hard to understand your need to leave.
But ultimately we must do and go where God directs, and of course you can't remain in a church, merely to please others. But I fear that it will be a very painful parting for both you and them. But even with the pain, it can be done with grace, charity, love, respect and honor.
Hi Bill, thank you for being courageous in writing this article.
Right now I am in sort of a problem. I have been part of this small church for about 8 years now. I was saved and baptized in it, am leaderof youth ministry and am engaged to the pastor's son. As I grew closer to them (pastor's family), I noticed how imperfect they really are, which is pretty normal. However, conflicts started with his family about me even before we were engaged (fiancee's sisters disliked me). Even now that we are engaged they do not want a relationship with me. I have never understood why, as I have confronted them but got nothing out of it. Only that they did not like my background of non-christian family. I am first-generation christian, and I praise God that I was able to bring my family(two younger sisters,15yrs & 16yrs, and my single mother). After long years of prayer, God answered them. They were finally here with me. My mom later moved to another church with her new fiancee, leaving my sisters with me.
The problems came after my sister of 16 years started having a sexual relationship with a 21 year old guy at church. The problem? The guy is the bro-in-law of my fiancee's sister. Obviously, when the pastor found out of this, he did what he as a pastor would do, put them both in discipline. However, my sister came out and told us that the guy was manipulating her into having sex with her. I told the pastor and all he said he already did what he was supposed too and will counsel the guy.
The other problem? My sister no longer feels comfortable at this church due to the guy being there. Now this is where I am stuck, I feelit would be best for my two sisters and I to leave church for this problem but then my fiancee does not want to leave due to the pastor is his dad. I have prayed and prayed but I feel desperate for having my sister in this pain and having to have to choose. I feel that I will not loose my sister that I have longed fought and pray for be away from church when I can help her. But then my fiancee will never leave his family. We have both talked about it,but we have decided to goour own way. I feel I can not let myfamily down. It hurts me to leave my church that I call family because of my young sisters sin. But i feel deep within that I need to do this for her....please give me advise.
..oh and I forgot to mention the way his sisters started being with my sisters and I after this all came out. I have never meet any other women so proud and hypocritical like them.
I have been at my church for 25 years. We have a new pastor for the last 7. At the end of a church service I wanted to share something I felt was from the Lord. The pastor yelled stop and then preceed to yell that I was out of line. This was done in front of the congregation. He did not attempt to talk with me. I had to ask for a meeting twice. It took a whole month before he would meet with me. During that time he talked to other members of the congregation, even one who was not present at the service. I took an elder with me when he finally agreed to meet with me. He said he had a problem with me for a long time, and that I was attention seeking by giving to long of testimonies, going up for prayer to much and that he did not believe in my gift for vision. I tried to be respectful during that whole time. I did not gossip and it caused great anxiety for me. When I asked him why he talked to others before he talked to me he just said well that person had been a long standing member. It is a very small church of about 25 people. We have not grown in a long time. He said I could stay if I could sit under his authority. He expected an apology from me and told me I owed Go one to. I feel beat up after sermons and desire sermons that I can use through out the week in a very stressful job. Now I have a meber of the church who is saying I am wrong for leaving that others will follow. I thinks she thinks I am being selfish. I felt like when I left the meeting that night that I had been released. Even the elder I was with said she did not blame me for leaving. I have another church I have been going to and I am very happy there. I feel like my life has purpose there. I am torn by leaving my friends and do not want the church to fall apart on account of my leaving. This church member is making me feel that it will be my fault if the church falls apart. please help, any advise or encouragement would be helpful.
We're thinking about leaving our church. We just don't feel the same connection to the people there. The church is changing the name and turning the worship service into more of a "show" with lighting and multi media presentations. My wife and I lead two ministries and I am the announcer during worship service. I've seen other people leave that have done it poorly-mass emails, gossip, etc. The best way to leave is to just let the pastor know we won't be leading our teams any longer and just go, correct?
The best way is to leave by telling the pastor - affirm the people and issues of the church where you can and gently let them know that the church is going in another director that you all don't feel led into. Help you church find your replacements for the teams that you lead also...do what you can to leave graciously and in a God-honoring way...
I was widowed for several years and very close to retirement when I joined my church four years ago. I quietly and steadily volunteered in doing what was needed around the church. Often times I was told my help was not needed. I joined a Bible study group organized by a seminary and led by mentors in my church. It is a four year course with a one year commitment for each year. Participants were in all years. I was the only first year student. Each week, each participant had to discuss the lesson. I took great pride in my study and research. On the fourth week, the mentor interrupted my talk and told me to finish up as I had a tendency to get carried away. I was so hurt. I arranged to speak to the rector to see how to smooth things over with the mentor. When I explained the situation, he said the mentor was a great friend of his and he was highly respected. End of our talk. I completed my first year with some reservations.
I was voted in by church members to become part of the Vestry. One of my new responsibilities was to start up a particular group of members. The rector and I met to discuss how to get more involvement from the church members. Sign-up sheets were distributed and the response was very encouraging. Some elected to meet during the week (day and/or night), some weekends, etc. When it came time to fully implement, the rector did a 180 and reversed everything that was in place and announced that they groups could only meet on Wednesday evenings. Some members became quite vocal in saying I was not honest in signing up people.The group concept never took off. I was blamed.
In early fall of this year, I was diagnosed with cancer. I have been hospitalized three times. Under physician orders, I cannot attend any large gatherings, visitors and family members must be healthy, etc. As a result, I am not currently attending Sunday services. Although the church as an In-Reach program, I have never been contacted. The only communication from the rector was almost a month after my diagnosis and it was an email. He stated that we were long overdue to speak. Would l like it to be via phone or in person and to let him know.
I really need(ed) some pastoral care. I had one phone call from a church member following my diagnosis and she want ed to know if after my first chemo treatment it gave me more energy. Only one church member has visited. Her concern is that I will leave the church and go somewhere else. She stated that the rector is not strong in pastoral care and I should accept it.
I have another church in mind. I’ve met several of the members. They are very outgoing, friendly, and welcoming. They do not know of my intentions as yet. I do not want to criticize my former church but need to know how to answer questions that might arise on changing churches. I want to do this graciously.
Thank you from someone who needs guidance.
Thanks for this post. I'm getting tired of going to my church because I feel down most Sundays -- pastor constantly preaching about the devil, how the devil-does-this, the devil-does-that, more about the devil than about Jesus. However, I'm caught in a bind, because the pastor indirectly talks about people who've left the church, saying "they will no longer grow spiritually" and "the devil is behind it". And also, that we (the flock, who are to be submitted to the pastor) should not "correct" him. (I give the benefit of the doubt here, people have said some nasty things to him in the past.)
Any tips? I've been here for years, so it is not easy, yet I'd rather be uplifted than put down on Sundays.
My family and I are dealing with the first lady saying inappropriate comments towards the congregation in public worship and it's getting worse. It's affecting my spirit-man and it's been going on for a while. I don't want my family be depleted spiritually and physically. Should we leave?
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