If you are a pastor, then you understand the feelings when someone or a family leaves your church. Even though you may do everything you can to close the "backdoor", it is inevitable that people are going to leave your church.
So how do you encourage people to leave "well", if they are already determined to leave?
Below are a couple of great thoughts on how to leave well. (I have posted Jolley's thoughts in full)
PUTTING ASUNDER: SOME THOUGHTS ON HOW TO QUIT YOUR CHURCH by REED JOLLEY
After ten great years, it’s time for our family to leave this church. She said this over a cup of coffee and with a hint of tears in her eyes. She wanted me to know that their family’s sojourn with Santa Barbara Community Church had been a pleasant one, that they had grown in their faith, and that they would miss the people. She wanted to express her gratitude and let me know why they needed to leave….
It’s fairly easy to find a book or an article that tells you how to choose and join a church. Eugene Peterson, for example, writes in one of his books that it’s a good idea to choose the church that is the smallest and closest to your home. On the other hand, Ted Haggard says somewhere that we should ask where God seems to be moving and then get as near to that place as possible. Fair enough. But what about leaving a church? American evangelicals shuffle all too often from church to church, following the movements and fancies of the moment, but that’s not what I’m addressing here. I’m talking about when there are legitimate reasons for leaving a local body of believers.
First, however, let me say that our loyalty to our church should be stronger than our attraction to the better praise band down the street or to the in-depth preacher who just took a job at the church on the corner. Leaving a church should feel like leaving a marriage. It should hurt because we have lived our lives with a group of people, and now we are leaving. But, again, there are legitimate reasons to leave. Doctrinal considerations or the specific needs of our children are, for instance, two valid reasons for leaving a church. When a church is moving in a direction that an individual or a family feels is contrary to God’s Word, that is another prudent reason for making a change.
But how should one leave? The usual method is to slither out the back door with the hope that no one notices. Over the years I’ve had numerous conversations with people who have left Santa Barbara Community Church, conversations that are sometimes embarrassing and sometimes hurtful. Haven’t seen you in a while, I say as we pass on State Street. Is everything okay? Then I learn that this person has moved to another church for whatever reason. I’m quick to try to relieve the embarrassment. Assuming this person has moved to a good church, I say something like Well, may God bless you and keep you. . . That’s a great church, and I’m sure it will be better with you in it. We’re all on the same team in the Body of Christ. We’ll miss you.
But these conversations—while cordial and sincere—are hurtful because they happen accidentally. A serendipitous encounter at the grocery store should not be the moment to announce that three months ago you left your church. When I have these encounters, I find myself thinking as a pastor, I’ve prayed for this person and invested my life in this family. I performed his wedding and dedicated his baby. Besides, aren’t we members of the same church universal? How could he and his family leave without so much as a good-bye?
So how do we leave a church? I offer the following suggestions:
First, leave deliberately. Don’t slither or slide. Don’t wander hither and yonder. When it’s time to go, go—and then go become an integral part of another good, Bible-believing, Christ-saturated church. The New Testament knows nothing of individual believers taking a little from here and sampling a little from over there. The biblical doctrine of the church describes a body of believers deeply committed to Christ and to one another.
Second, go graciously. Has your theology changed to the extent that you need to join a different church? Have the needs of your family or your work schedule compelled you to make a move? Fine. Move, but move graciously. Resist the temptation to concentrate on the warts and blemishes of the church you are leaving. (You’ll find, soon enough, that your new church has a few of these too!) It is important that you leave your church graciously and join your new church graciously. Eugene Peterson writes:
Every time I move to a new community, I find a church close by and join it—committing myself to worship and work with that company of God's people. I've never been anything other than disappointed. Everyone turns out to be biblical, through and through: murmurers, complainers, the faithless, the inconstant, those plagued with doubt and riddled with sin, boring moralizers, glamorous secularizers. Every once in a while a shaft of blazing beauty seems to break out of nowhere and illuminate these companies, and then I see what my sin-dulled eyes had missed: Word of God-shaped, Holy Spirit-created lives of sacrificial humility, incredible courage, heroic virtue, holy praise, joyful suffering, constant prayer, persevering obedience.
Third, go thankfully. I write as a man who has been a pastor of the same church for almost three decades. During these years many people have left our church (some of them because of me). To be honest, some of the people who have left I don’t miss much. And others I miss sorely. But I always appreciate the one who takes the trouble to say good-bye.
Embarrassing or awkward as it may be, have an exit interview with one of the leaders, elders, or pastors of the church you are leaving. Explain the reasons for your departure, express your gratitude for their hard work, and commit yourself to praying for the church with which you will no longer be associated. These exit interviews are rare, but they are sweet. Pastors care about people. So when someone comes to me, shares where God seems to be leading her, and gives thanks for her season of involvement at SBCC, I beam with joy. Pastors are not running a business and trying to get more customers. Pastors are shepherds of a flock. On our good days we are not jealous of our sheep; we have their best interests at heart. Still, it is rarely easy to hear someone say, I gotta go. . . In fact, it always hurts. But the pain is softened when we learn that he or she is going to settle in a godly congregation of Christ-exalting believers. After all, we’re on the same team working for the same purposes.
Church membership and church involvement are serious undertakings. When we meet Christ, we are saved into the church. The Bible speaks of our being members of one another (Romans 12:4-5). We are joined together in Christ (Ephesians 4:15-16). We eat from one loaf and drink from one cup (Ephesians 4:4-5). We are to carry one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). We might even find ourselves selling our property in order to meet another’s needs (Acts 4:32ff.). We are to be a forgiving community (Colossians 3:13) that is deeply in love with one another (John 13:34). The church is a precious gift to God’s people. Christ died to bring the church into being (Ephesians 5:25)! The church is the mantelpiece of God, the display of God’s splendor before the angels (Ephesians 3:10)! So let us take care that we cherish the organism that Christ suffered to create—and may God bless his church!
(ht: Buzzard)
So how do you encourage people to leave "well", if they are already determined to leave?
Below are a couple of great thoughts on how to leave well. (I have posted Jolley's thoughts in full)
PUTTING ASUNDER: SOME THOUGHTS ON HOW TO QUIT YOUR CHURCH by REED JOLLEY
After ten great years, it’s time for our family to leave this church. She said this over a cup of coffee and with a hint of tears in her eyes. She wanted me to know that their family’s sojourn with Santa Barbara Community Church had been a pleasant one, that they had grown in their faith, and that they would miss the people. She wanted to express her gratitude and let me know why they needed to leave….
It’s fairly easy to find a book or an article that tells you how to choose and join a church. Eugene Peterson, for example, writes in one of his books that it’s a good idea to choose the church that is the smallest and closest to your home. On the other hand, Ted Haggard says somewhere that we should ask where God seems to be moving and then get as near to that place as possible. Fair enough. But what about leaving a church? American evangelicals shuffle all too often from church to church, following the movements and fancies of the moment, but that’s not what I’m addressing here. I’m talking about when there are legitimate reasons for leaving a local body of believers.
First, however, let me say that our loyalty to our church should be stronger than our attraction to the better praise band down the street or to the in-depth preacher who just took a job at the church on the corner. Leaving a church should feel like leaving a marriage. It should hurt because we have lived our lives with a group of people, and now we are leaving. But, again, there are legitimate reasons to leave. Doctrinal considerations or the specific needs of our children are, for instance, two valid reasons for leaving a church. When a church is moving in a direction that an individual or a family feels is contrary to God’s Word, that is another prudent reason for making a change.
But how should one leave? The usual method is to slither out the back door with the hope that no one notices. Over the years I’ve had numerous conversations with people who have left Santa Barbara Community Church, conversations that are sometimes embarrassing and sometimes hurtful. Haven’t seen you in a while, I say as we pass on State Street. Is everything okay? Then I learn that this person has moved to another church for whatever reason. I’m quick to try to relieve the embarrassment. Assuming this person has moved to a good church, I say something like Well, may God bless you and keep you. . . That’s a great church, and I’m sure it will be better with you in it. We’re all on the same team in the Body of Christ. We’ll miss you.
But these conversations—while cordial and sincere—are hurtful because they happen accidentally. A serendipitous encounter at the grocery store should not be the moment to announce that three months ago you left your church. When I have these encounters, I find myself thinking as a pastor, I’ve prayed for this person and invested my life in this family. I performed his wedding and dedicated his baby. Besides, aren’t we members of the same church universal? How could he and his family leave without so much as a good-bye?
So how do we leave a church? I offer the following suggestions:
First, leave deliberately. Don’t slither or slide. Don’t wander hither and yonder. When it’s time to go, go—and then go become an integral part of another good, Bible-believing, Christ-saturated church. The New Testament knows nothing of individual believers taking a little from here and sampling a little from over there. The biblical doctrine of the church describes a body of believers deeply committed to Christ and to one another.
Second, go graciously. Has your theology changed to the extent that you need to join a different church? Have the needs of your family or your work schedule compelled you to make a move? Fine. Move, but move graciously. Resist the temptation to concentrate on the warts and blemishes of the church you are leaving. (You’ll find, soon enough, that your new church has a few of these too!) It is important that you leave your church graciously and join your new church graciously. Eugene Peterson writes:
Every time I move to a new community, I find a church close by and join it—committing myself to worship and work with that company of God's people. I've never been anything other than disappointed. Everyone turns out to be biblical, through and through: murmurers, complainers, the faithless, the inconstant, those plagued with doubt and riddled with sin, boring moralizers, glamorous secularizers. Every once in a while a shaft of blazing beauty seems to break out of nowhere and illuminate these companies, and then I see what my sin-dulled eyes had missed: Word of God-shaped, Holy Spirit-created lives of sacrificial humility, incredible courage, heroic virtue, holy praise, joyful suffering, constant prayer, persevering obedience.
Third, go thankfully. I write as a man who has been a pastor of the same church for almost three decades. During these years many people have left our church (some of them because of me). To be honest, some of the people who have left I don’t miss much. And others I miss sorely. But I always appreciate the one who takes the trouble to say good-bye.
Embarrassing or awkward as it may be, have an exit interview with one of the leaders, elders, or pastors of the church you are leaving. Explain the reasons for your departure, express your gratitude for their hard work, and commit yourself to praying for the church with which you will no longer be associated. These exit interviews are rare, but they are sweet. Pastors care about people. So when someone comes to me, shares where God seems to be leading her, and gives thanks for her season of involvement at SBCC, I beam with joy. Pastors are not running a business and trying to get more customers. Pastors are shepherds of a flock. On our good days we are not jealous of our sheep; we have their best interests at heart. Still, it is rarely easy to hear someone say, I gotta go. . . In fact, it always hurts. But the pain is softened when we learn that he or she is going to settle in a godly congregation of Christ-exalting believers. After all, we’re on the same team working for the same purposes.
Church membership and church involvement are serious undertakings. When we meet Christ, we are saved into the church. The Bible speaks of our being members of one another (Romans 12:4-5). We are joined together in Christ (Ephesians 4:15-16). We eat from one loaf and drink from one cup (Ephesians 4:4-5). We are to carry one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). We might even find ourselves selling our property in order to meet another’s needs (Acts 4:32ff.). We are to be a forgiving community (Colossians 3:13) that is deeply in love with one another (John 13:34). The church is a precious gift to God’s people. Christ died to bring the church into being (Ephesians 5:25)! The church is the mantelpiece of God, the display of God’s splendor before the angels (Ephesians 3:10)! So let us take care that we cherish the organism that Christ suffered to create—and may God bless his church!
(ht: Buzzard)
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105 comments:
A couple of years ago I had some folk leave who didn't do it so well. They were unhappy (as am I) with developments in our denomination with regard to homosexuality. The way the leaving was done caused unnecessary pain. Had they followed the wise counsel above, I suspect the pain would have been considerably reduced.
Gene, I think that is the key. There will always be pain in leaving, that is inevitable. But the key is reducing the pain and avoiding unnecessary hurt.
i recently left my church of 4 years. i tried to talk with them but still felt God wanted my to leave. i felt pushed in a corner and condemned and I don't know what i did. Everytime I was serving, I felt criticized. i ultimately did not show up for children's ministry of only 2 children on the church's anniversary, which I am not proud of, but they would not take no for an answer. i think you can try to leave the right way, but some churches do not listen to their flock. i am okay with my decision. They still want to talk to resolve this, but i feel i have moved on. i could write a letter, but i don't think it would accomplish much, because i am angry about the treatment i received. Any suggestions?
Not knowing all the particulars...I would say by "resolving it", if they mean to have you come back, that doesn't need to be pursued..you've moved on.
But you've not moved on emotionally, you did say you are angry. And perhaps you need to have a face to face for closure. so you can express you hurt and feelings, they can hear it, and you can hear their thoughts and perspectives. It may give you closure and healing.
I want to leave my Church because my Pastor complains about everything I f\do as a worker of the Church, he want other people to take charge because they believe they can do a better job than I can, but where were they when I organized these posotions? I don't feel as if he should have asked me to step dowm in front of the congregation, bwfore confronting me first.
I just posted a comment and had two erros typed, please me.
will I be recieving an answer?
sure, Anonymous, I got your comment....
I am sorry that you experience this deep hurt and public humiliation. Have you had a private discussion with your pastor on how you feel?
It is very difficult leaving your church. I was a youth leader and was replaced by a married couple but the pastor wanted to me to say on as assistant leader, I resigned as I felt my season was over. Leaving the church was very difficult and I was extremely hurt by some circumstances but I left the church explaining my reasons and on good terms with the leadership, at times I visit. Sometimes we just have to be obedient to God no matter how we feel but its important not to burn bridge if that is possible but I have seen so many leave because of hurt and that is heart breaking. Thank you for this post.
It's very difficult to leave the church family that has been there for you. Everyone agrees with women being ordained as elders but I don't. I don't want to leave but I'm not comfortable with what's going on, there are some that also feel as I do but chooses to stay. I'm so confused and emotional on what I should do
@anonymous.. it is hard to make an assessment based on a thumbnail sketch of your situation...but you must weigh whether the issue you are facing is a conviction level issue...would you die on the hill over it...if so, then you may need to leave...if not, you may have the ability to stay and be there even though you don't agree with the theological stance of the church.
I serve as a layminister of church for 7 yrs. And I am thinking about leaving please pray for me.
I will.
In my current Church, we have a leader who is being allowed to break both God's laws and man's. He had a serious past issue that created much of the legal problem, but he also added to it in recent months. Multple times. This is not being addressed by our Pastor, nor Elders, and some members may not even have a clue. He has outright lied or sugar-coated his offenses and some of his issues could hurt somebody and very well destroy not only himself, but our whole Church. When my spouse and I discussed this with our Pastor, our concerns were dismissed. This man's behavior has continued to deteriorate, and now we see that we must either leave, or start an ugly battle. We may win, but at what cost? Not fighting also means this man may hurt someone, and we might have prevented it.
I want to leave right now. My spouse is torn. Any thoughts?
I would leave, don't start an ugly battle. The reason not to battle is because you've already addressed this to the pastor and have had your concerns dismissed - you would get no satisfaction in battling over it. You will just have to turn over your concerns to the Lord - it is His church and he will deal with the leader. But for now, you need to leave and find a healthy church to be a part of.
Thank you!
Please pray for my husband and I, as we are talking again with our Pastor and his wife about leaving our small church. The first conversation was to ask them to pray with and for us about our feelings that we might need to change churches. We are confident now, after two more weeks of praying and much confirmation in the Word and through prayer with faithful friends/advisors (we had been praying for a couple of months prior to this when the thought first came to us), and are now telling them that we have decided to go. I have a LOT of reasons why I am not comfortable there anymore, but I think the great thing is that God has just been clearing the discomfort for me and helping me to see that a lot of the discomfort came when I began to pray about something that God had originally wanted me to do. The prayer to decide to leave was innocent and, I now see, Spirit-led. It was my EMOTIONS AND FEARS that led me to consider why I might be leaving - I felt I had to have a REASON to leave - not that God was just prompting us to go. I didn't feel that could be a good enough reason. So, in the ensuing months, I found ALL kinds of reasons to leave. Hah! They were issues that were there all along, but before, I was motivated to serve anyway, and see how I could be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. After feeling led to leave, I began to think I should not have done all that. That I had been brainwashed and am now seeing the light. All of that is not true. I see that now. I am so thankful that I have seen that before the conversation I am about to have with Pastor tonight. I am going to enter the conversation with a repentant heart. I need to apologize for seeking reasons to leave, and then tell him what the truth had been from the beginning. I was just afraid to tell him we were leaving because I was afraid if I didn't have a good reason, he would be disappointed in me. It is a small church, and so many have left with no word to them whatsoever, and those who have left after speaking with them, have found that Pastor and his wife do not have a relationship with them anymore. They are often slightly slandered after leaving (everyone was just hurt, though, that is all). It was my own pride that has been getting in the way of me leaving properly. Please pray that Pastor understands and will bless us in our move. We want to do right by him. He and his wife have given us so much - even if they (or we!) have not been perfect. (sorry for the lack of clarity in parts - this is very emotional)
I am currently thinking of leaving my church.but i am so emotionally torn apart. i am confused with some of the doctrines that our church follows. but i am afraid to talk to my family and pastors about it. firstly because that will be questioning the very fundamental beliefs of the church,so i know they will not take that kindly. my parents have been in this church for more than 40 years,and i have been a member all my 25 years. i have never visited any chrch in my life but i just feel i need to leave inoder to grow spiritually. how do i do this without hurting anyone?how do i deal with the emotions of guilt that i am having?
You are certainly in a very difficult situation, since you've been in the same church for such a long time. Unfortunately there will be hurt and pain. Some people will not understand, and they will feel betrayed. In terms of making the transition, do you have any Christian friends, outside your current church, where you can visit their church with them. Visiting other churches with someone you know, can make the process much easier. Please don't despair - even through the difficulty, you will experience blessings on the other side - it may take time...and it will hurt...but you will be glad once you've arrived and planted yourself in another church, where you can grow and thrive.
Bill. I wanted to say thank you for this article/post. I left my church a month ago due to various reasons, the greater being the constant mishandling of Gods word (twisting to fit pastor's agenda,etc). I take church membership seriously and I really love local church ministry, to leave was a confusing time, questioning myself, sifting through emotions and the constant reminding myself of what God says in His word to keep me steadfast. Your points helped me a lot. I spent a much time in Scripture, took time to talk to the pastor (was ignored) and then decided it was time. I was the Church Administrator and Clerk, made sure what had to be done was in order and whoever stepped in could just step in without problems.
1. I left deliberately and there was no question I was gone. I wrote a letter and after 7 drafts settled with a simple 1 paragraph of why I couldn't serve anymore. That's how I left graciously. Though I wanted to tear up one side and down the other, I got over that emotion with God's help and moved on.
Leaving Thankfully: I was thankful to be out of there if that counts! No one has bothered to contact me and all the pastor said is "can we still be friends".
I encourage anyone to seriously evaluate their motives and methods when leaving a church they have been a part of. Don't take it lightly, the responsibility we have to the Lord and His people goes beyond personality conflicts and carpet colors. When it comes to doctrine and blatant false teaching, if you can't contend for the faith, then shake the dust from your feet.
But Bill, thank you. I read this just as my time was coming to an end at my former church and it helped me to focus and keep my exit clean and simple.
@LB, you are welcome - and I am so glad that the Lord led you to this post at this time, when you needed it most. May God bless you and lead you toward another church and body that will bring life and spiritual health and growth for you.
Bill, My family has been at the same church for almost 22 years...My husband has served at a Elder for numerous years and I have served as the music director for 19 years. We have been praying for the last several months about moving on and leaving this chapter in our lives. It is so hard to leave this church because it is our family. However we both feel spiritually drained. There have been so many blessings to us and our family throughout our time here at this church. There have also been so very difficult time as well. But God has been with us giving us strength. My husband just doesn't want to be there anymore. Until now I just felt like that was where we were suppose to be. We raised our family in this church and none of our children are attending there anymore. They have all moved on to other places. Our church is currently experiencing some financial strains we are so torn about leaving but feel that our spiritual relationship is at risk. I recently attended a family camp where the speaker talked about many of the issues I have spoken about. I am now convicted more than ever that the time for us to go is now....I know that God is speaking to my heart and I just want to make sure that I am listening to him and not listening to me....After reading this article I just want to make sure that we do right by God, the Church and our family in Christ..
Well, the positive thing from your comments is that you aren't just being capricious and leaving, but rather you are being prayerful and sober about it. It sounds like you have any indication that the Lord is calling you to move on...the difficulties you are facing are the feelings of guilt and fear of the unknown as you move forward. Those are natural. Truly the next steps are going to be the most important. Leaving well.. Doing it with grace and in a way that honors the church, the people, the pastor and Christ. I have other articles on my site that talk about how to move forward in that process, that might be of help.
I hate my church I really do, what happened was when I was first saved I was asked to join to get baptised, the truth is I was Catholic before and I was baptised before and have no interest in baptised again. I was asked by a women in the church and I said I would think about the truth, I was really just thinking of a way to tell her in the nicest posible way that I rather jump of cliff than have my head dunked under water in a dress infront of hundred people. Number 1 its a show, God don't care its a badge of honour for these people, baptising catholics its like sending a sheep to the lambs. Back to the story after service on Sunday said to me "I told the pastor your going to be baptisted" she smiled I should be happy about this, I was shocked that someone could make that sort of decition for me. After that I really don't like my church, I have been looking around for a church but because I have no transport and I have to look after my mother I can't travel to far because I can't leave her that long by herself. My friend said leaving a church its a great way of backsliding. So here is the problem I don't really wanna leave because even doe tha women is annoying and so is the pastor and his wife, I do have friends at the church and haven't been to church in two weeks. I miss my friend but I really dont like my church.
I am sorry that you are going through this...obviously not being intimately involved in all the particulars and details, it's hard for me to advise...except for the fact that it is important that you find a church body where you are cared for, spiritually feed, and a place that isn't spiritually abusive.
Thank you for this post.
I have been with this church for 25 years right after I became born again. I was the first one in my family and now all of them attend the same church. Most of us have been faithfully serving this church-family in different ministries starting on my 15th year in the church. In no other time have I thought bad or unwell of our leaders and when there are people who say otherwise or say their questions out loud I would be the first one to lovingly point them to the discipline of submitting to authorities.
But recently God opened my eyes to some practices our leaders has been doing that does not match with God's word. It was a terrible time for me personally as I struggled with the realization and what and how to go from hereon. It was worse than experiencing death in the family to realize how some of the practices in the church are actually against God's word. I felt personally betrayed. The idea seemed preposterous at first but soon the truth just clicked in my brain. It explained away all the many little questions that I had at the back of my mind which I did not heed to before. But in God's mercy and grace I was able to make sense of it and is now planning on taking a leave from my ministries and with some courage and more prayer I would hope to deliberately resign from said church. It is so difficult because of all the friends I have there which I already consider as family. I cannot tell these friends yet what is my real reason for fear that they will encounter the same incredulity and struggles I went through. What if I was wrong? I wished I was wrong but God would not let me sleep and kept me awake at nights with the things He opened to me in His word and through witnesses/experiences. I asked these friends in church to understand why I cannot tell the leaders yet and also them of all my reasons but they would not allow me to even take a leave and gave me reasons of how I am vital to the ministry and how they value me in the team. I spoke to one of our elders and same thing they would not allow me to take a leave. I do not want to be in this situation but I also would not want to influence them if what I am about to say would mean their world will crumble as I have experienced with the discovery of these things. I know that with God's help I have nothing to fear in speaking out what's true but Im torn with the thought of causing them pain. I know that sometimes we need to hurt people if we truly love them. But its not easy. God impressed upon me to wait it out and things will be more clear. And that He is sovereign and no one can thwart His plans.
Thanks for your post because Ive been reading so much about cultic christianity, how to identify if you are in one, etc, before this and reading this post somehow balances what Ive learned with having the heart for the people in my church who are as blind as I was before.
Do you think I was going about this in a way that is still pleasing to God? Because after learning these unbiblical practices I was so scared that I will continue to mislead the teams/ppl that they have entrusted to me that's why I asked to take a leave first so I wont take part in any of them with the hope I can resign right after I make full sense of everything in God's perfect time.
But if one must leave as you said one must do it deliberately, graciously and thankfully.
C.Bessy
Dear C.Bessy, I hope you understand that it is hard to answer your questions fully, since I am not privy to all the details and circumstances. But the fact that you continue to struggle with this issue, may be God's prompting for you to make a break. Too often the difficulties we face are our own. Our own fears. Our own insecurities. I know that it is risky to make that break,and there may be some blowback and fallout...but if you are leading on God for wisdom and moving forward with humility and seek Him, then God will give you the strength to push through the hardship and difficulty. Because no matter how difficult a situation one may leave, it is always sad and emotional. It is like a divorce.
I hope you find the strength and wisdom you need in this very trying and difficult situation and are able to come through it with your faith strong.
Wow
This article is so helpful. I have been searching the net for 3 years for an article like this. I am glad I only found it now. As back then my heart was filled with bitterness and resentment towards my leaders. As I could not find anything that had set guidelines to assist a church move. I went on my knees and ask God to clear my heart and deliver me from all negative feelings.
I stayed and God has brought about great change in me and the church. It is not perfect (but what church is) but it is making progress.
I am finally leaving and was experiencing great pain and guilt. My pastor also made me feel this way as he said I was abandoning the church and demanded I give a reason why I was leaving. He kept on stressing that we are all happy and have no issues and with one another. Though there are many things that I did not like at the church, I was willing to work pass them and address each issue at a time but my time was up. I had no reason apart form that reason "The Lord is leading me".
My pastor simply said If was starting my own church, he would be happier about the decision as he could be apart of it but he was not happy about me moving on to help another church. He was ready to support a new church plant asap, but my heart was for other local ministries who needed help to train people and reach the local community.
To be honest I have been waiting for this deep pain to leave and have remained at the church, though I have had many nudging by the holy spirit and confirmation from respected ministers I have not gone. It took me a while to get over the teaching they taught that you will be cursed for leaving and things might not go well and the only way you can leave a church is if God speaks to the leaders that it is time to send you out. Studying the bible helped me realize that this is not true and not in the bible. It is a tool of manipulation.
Now the pastor and his wife have preached about being faithful, betrayal of the ministry and abandoning people every service since I spoke with him. It is getting uncomfortable and really do not want to be there. He has totally ignored my wish to leave (which they have done over the years)I fully understand the pain form both perspectives but I wish people would not hold onto people like this and I pray God gives me the strength not to be the same and hold on to the team or church members at this new place. God uses people to build church and us leaders must be careful that we do not forget it is God that builds and stop thinking our churches will not grow without certain people.
I am going to have to be deliberate (Bill) and just go (very painful). I have been here for 12 years and the only person who has remained from the original people who was there in the beginning.
As he has always rejected my leaving, it seems giving notices to leave mean nothing as he ignores and does not tell the church members.
I pray readers of this blog and comments keep a pure heart and if you have any bitterness please ask our Father in heaven for help. I pray you become planted and committed wherever God has placed you.
Thanks again.
Pastor M
@Pastor M - thank you for your honesty and sharing your heart and story. I pray that God gives you courage and His peace and power as you go in obedience to His call.
May God bless you, bill
@Bill:
Thank you so much for yr thoughtful and prayerful reply.
I have been continually praying about the situation. Finally one of the elders now allowed me to take a sabbatical leave from one of the ministries I'm handling. By God's grace during that talk I was able to open up some of the concerns and the elder responded with an open heart and we prayed together about it.
I have now talked to the other elder to allow me to take a leave from the other ministry as well but he would not say yes. God taught me how to use this as an opportunity to continue to love him - in short, to be patient, respectful etc, since they are only speaking from blindness. Like the first one, I also said I will pray some more about it before coming to a final decision. In that talk God allowed me to reinforce to him my allegiance to God beyond that of ministry responsibilities. God has not allowed me yet to open up with him certain things that I was able to open up with the first elder since he still views even taking a leave from the ministry as tantamount to betrayal of God's calling. I am humbled that even in these difficult times God continues to teach me how to go beyond all that is seen, beyond myself and learn how to love others with His love.
Thank you again for your post but more so for your prayers. Truly God's love casts out all fear.
- c. bessy
I am so glad I found this article. I left my church, the one that I grew up in and attended all of my life about a year ago. My parents left about 4 years before me and it was painful but I stayed. My pastor married me and my husband but shortly after we married and had the birth of our two children 13 months a part we were strained on making the 200 mile round trip journey to a church. We had been making this drive for years as singles and it just never seemed it was enough. If we were late we would hear comments about how lateness is a lukewarm spirit. If we only attended one service then we were not vested in our spirital growth. Never mind the hardship financially and physically as we spent the time in between services camped out at the church with other families who traveled the same distance. It became burdensome to attend church. My husband and I had a decsion to make conerning our family that we made without getting counsel from our pastor, he admonished us for going over his "Godly counsel" and that was the breaking point. All of my life I had been taught to submit on issues that I didn't see due to Godly counsel on the issue. A year later we are at a good church that has provided us love and healing but I still feel guilt for leaving because I am friends with members who still attend. It has been said that if you can resolve and issue with the ministry you should still be able to attend the church and refusal to attend means you haven't resolved the issue. I am clear in my heart. I still have pain because I grew up in that church from the age of 2, so I lost relationships I had with people all of my life. I know I am seen as not being saved because I no longer adhere to the "standards", (dress, jewlery, makeup ect) and that I believe is what hurts. We spoke to him prior to leaving and he was against it, he urged me to take a stand against my husband but I didn't want to worship seperately from him. That has caused deeper pain with my husband. Its all just a big emotional mess. Please pray for me because I don't want to not go to heaven because I don't want to attend the first and only church I have ever been to...
I want to say Thank you first that I found this forum, I am leaving a small church, whom the Pastor and all the members are family except my daughter and I. I am grateful to the church for being there for me, my daughter was baptized there but I feel it's time to leave. I been praying long and hard, I am nervous because they are very much controlling. I ofter go to church feeling worse than I did when I came. Can you give any advice of what to say. I really don't want to do a face to face because what should be a cordial exit will definitely turn out ugly. HELP!
Here are a couple points...
Write it out in a letter and send it.
Be firm..that you are leaving...don't say I "feel" it's time to leave...you must be more determined, clear and definite..i.e use Active tenses rather than passive tense in the wording of your letter. Because if you sound undetermined, unclear, or uncertain - they are going to feel compelled to want to talk you out of it.
Also, be thankful...like you were in your comments...that you are grateful for them at a previous time in your life, keep it positive, promise in the letter that you will not speak negatively about the church upon you leaving etc...
Those are just some thoughts,
bill
This post is so helpful. My husband and I are leaving our current church simply for lack of community. We are one of the few young married couples w/o kids (we are newlyweds) and we've tried this whole year to build up friendships with very little success. Our pastors have a lot invested in us and we love them dearly, and leaving this church really does feel like a terrible break-up. WE want it to work oh-so-badly, but it just isn't working. Thanks for the encouragement and validation. We hope to leave on great terms, to be thankful for what we had while we had it, and to move forward in a new place.
I am glad Katie that you found the post helpful. And truly, leaving a church does feel like a breakup...it can be very painful. I trust the big issue is that because everyone is at a different age and stage that you all are at, it has made it difficult to forge relationships.
As you leave, please take to heart the post and do all you can to validate and encourage your spiritual Shepherds.
Having been a pastor, and seeing this situation through their eyes, let me tell you that this is going to be hard for them to hear that you are leaving, because since you said that most of what you've experienced has been good, insofar as the care and investment of the spiritual leaders, they may find it hard to understand your need to leave.
But ultimately we must do and go where God directs, and of course you can't remain in a church, merely to please others. But I fear that it will be a very painful parting for both you and them. But even with the pain, it can be done with grace, charity, love, respect and honor.
Hi Bill, thank you for being courageous in writing this article.
Right now I am in sort of a problem. I have been part of this small church for about 8 years now. I was saved and baptized in it, am leaderof youth ministry and am engaged to the pastor's son. As I grew closer to them (pastor's family), I noticed how imperfect they really are, which is pretty normal. However, conflicts started with his family about me even before we were engaged (fiancee's sisters disliked me). Even now that we are engaged they do not want a relationship with me. I have never understood why, as I have confronted them but got nothing out of it. Only that they did not like my background of non-christian family. I am first-generation christian, and I praise God that I was able to bring my family(two younger sisters,15yrs & 16yrs, and my single mother). After long years of prayer, God answered them. They were finally here with me. My mom later moved to another church with her new fiancee, leaving my sisters with me.
The problems came after my sister of 16 years started having a sexual relationship with a 21 year old guy at church. The problem? The guy is the bro-in-law of my fiancee's sister. Obviously, when the pastor found out of this, he did what he as a pastor would do, put them both in discipline. However, my sister came out and told us that the guy was manipulating her into having sex with her. I told the pastor and all he said he already did what he was supposed too and will counsel the guy.
The other problem? My sister no longer feels comfortable at this church due to the guy being there. Now this is where I am stuck, I feelit would be best for my two sisters and I to leave church for this problem but then my fiancee does not want to leave due to the pastor is his dad. I have prayed and prayed but I feel desperate for having my sister in this pain and having to have to choose. I feel that I will not loose my sister that I have longed fought and pray for be away from church when I can help her. But then my fiancee will never leave his family. We have both talked about it,but we have decided to goour own way. I feel I can not let myfamily down. It hurts me to leave my church that I call family because of my young sisters sin. But i feel deep within that I need to do this for her....please give me advise.
..oh and I forgot to mention the way his sisters started being with my sisters and I after this all came out. I have never meet any other women so proud and hypocritical like them.
I have been at my church for 25 years. We have a new pastor for the last 7. At the end of a church service I wanted to share something I felt was from the Lord. The pastor yelled stop and then preceed to yell that I was out of line. This was done in front of the congregation. He did not attempt to talk with me. I had to ask for a meeting twice. It took a whole month before he would meet with me. During that time he talked to other members of the congregation, even one who was not present at the service. I took an elder with me when he finally agreed to meet with me. He said he had a problem with me for a long time, and that I was attention seeking by giving to long of testimonies, going up for prayer to much and that he did not believe in my gift for vision. I tried to be respectful during that whole time. I did not gossip and it caused great anxiety for me. When I asked him why he talked to others before he talked to me he just said well that person had been a long standing member. It is a very small church of about 25 people. We have not grown in a long time. He said I could stay if I could sit under his authority. He expected an apology from me and told me I owed Go one to. I feel beat up after sermons and desire sermons that I can use through out the week in a very stressful job. Now I have a meber of the church who is saying I am wrong for leaving that others will follow. I thinks she thinks I am being selfish. I felt like when I left the meeting that night that I had been released. Even the elder I was with said she did not blame me for leaving. I have another church I have been going to and I am very happy there. I feel like my life has purpose there. I am torn by leaving my friends and do not want the church to fall apart on account of my leaving. This church member is making me feel that it will be my fault if the church falls apart. please help, any advise or encouragement would be helpful.
We're thinking about leaving our church. We just don't feel the same connection to the people there. The church is changing the name and turning the worship service into more of a "show" with lighting and multi media presentations. My wife and I lead two ministries and I am the announcer during worship service. I've seen other people leave that have done it poorly-mass emails, gossip, etc. The best way to leave is to just let the pastor know we won't be leading our teams any longer and just go, correct?
The best way is to leave by telling the pastor - affirm the people and issues of the church where you can and gently let them know that the church is going in another director that you all don't feel led into. Help you church find your replacements for the teams that you lead also...do what you can to leave graciously and in a God-honoring way...
I was widowed for several years and very close to retirement when I joined my church four years ago. I quietly and steadily volunteered in doing what was needed around the church. Often times I was told my help was not needed. I joined a Bible study group organized by a seminary and led by mentors in my church. It is a four year course with a one year commitment for each year. Participants were in all years. I was the only first year student. Each week, each participant had to discuss the lesson. I took great pride in my study and research. On the fourth week, the mentor interrupted my talk and told me to finish up as I had a tendency to get carried away. I was so hurt. I arranged to speak to the rector to see how to smooth things over with the mentor. When I explained the situation, he said the mentor was a great friend of his and he was highly respected. End of our talk. I completed my first year with some reservations.
I was voted in by church members to become part of the Vestry. One of my new responsibilities was to start up a particular group of members. The rector and I met to discuss how to get more involvement from the church members. Sign-up sheets were distributed and the response was very encouraging. Some elected to meet during the week (day and/or night), some weekends, etc. When it came time to fully implement, the rector did a 180 and reversed everything that was in place and announced that they groups could only meet on Wednesday evenings. Some members became quite vocal in saying I was not honest in signing up people.The group concept never took off. I was blamed.
In early fall of this year, I was diagnosed with cancer. I have been hospitalized three times. Under physician orders, I cannot attend any large gatherings, visitors and family members must be healthy, etc. As a result, I am not currently attending Sunday services. Although the church as an In-Reach program, I have never been contacted. The only communication from the rector was almost a month after my diagnosis and it was an email. He stated that we were long overdue to speak. Would l like it to be via phone or in person and to let him know.
I really need(ed) some pastoral care. I had one phone call from a church member following my diagnosis and she want ed to know if after my first chemo treatment it gave me more energy. Only one church member has visited. Her concern is that I will leave the church and go somewhere else. She stated that the rector is not strong in pastoral care and I should accept it.
I have another church in mind. I’ve met several of the members. They are very outgoing, friendly, and welcoming. They do not know of my intentions as yet. I do not want to criticize my former church but need to know how to answer questions that might arise on changing churches. I want to do this graciously.
Thank you from someone who needs guidance.
Thanks for this post. I'm getting tired of going to my church because I feel down most Sundays -- pastor constantly preaching about the devil, how the devil-does-this, the devil-does-that, more about the devil than about Jesus. However, I'm caught in a bind, because the pastor indirectly talks about people who've left the church, saying "they will no longer grow spiritually" and "the devil is behind it". And also, that we (the flock, who are to be submitted to the pastor) should not "correct" him. (I give the benefit of the doubt here, people have said some nasty things to him in the past.)
Any tips? I've been here for years, so it is not easy, yet I'd rather be uplifted than put down on Sundays.
My family and I are dealing with the first lady saying inappropriate comments towards the congregation in public worship and it's getting worse. It's affecting my spirit-man and it's been going on for a while. I don't want my family be depleted spiritually and physically. Should we leave?
I began going to a church 3 1/2 years ago after feeling led by God to the specific church. 2 years ago my Sunday School teacher became my mentor and started to apprentice me to take over when the Lord called her home. She was diagnosed with ALS. In the last two years I took in depth bible classes in addition to a long term study I have attended for several years, went on a spiritual formation retreat, subbed, attended christian leadership training courses.
The leadership has changed several times in the church including going on a 5th pastor in 3 years! One stepped down for health reasons. One went to start a new community of faith as an extension. Spiritual leadership and guidance has decreased greatly. One of the remaining pastors has intentionally not spoken to me since before Thanksgiving and deliberately avoids me because I made a decision regarding my living situation to not leave my mother in need, that they disagree with. This pastor at Christmas made fun of homeless people in their sermon, which I found deeply offensive. Especially given I have been facing that very prospect for months with my mother. Yes this pastor knew this.
I went to the leadership for a year asking for help with practical, logistical transition planning of my class and they chose to not do anything and wait til her death. Even when it was evident that she was no longer able to return and was in her final days, my request to have a member of the pastoral care team be ready to help facilitate discussion in class was declined stating it was not appropriate to take class time. I was told to prepare a regular lesson and not let the class spend time talking about our loss. I prepared a lesson but people wanted and needed to talk share and discuss their feelings and so did I. After the funeral, leadership hauled me in and told me it was now time got a complete change in format for the.class. They no longer wanted us to do biblical exegesis but to book based studies. My class did not want to do this. I tried to explain this to leadership and that I had developed a transition that met the needs of the group, incorporated my style of leading and the skills I had been trained. Truth be told it was not much different than what my mentor had done. I thought things were ok until leadership came in my class to observe (which I did not mind) however they intentionally tried to undermine my leadership in front of my class. My class defended me and found themselves attacked and accused. I let everyone speak then shelved the rest of that days lesson in favor of individual and group prayer time. Leadership left at that point. We were all hurt. I went to speak to the senior pastor to explain how un christian and out of line the discipleship director was. I found myself ambushed by the pastors and leadership telling me I was not doing correct leading and teaching and that I did not have their support and that the discipleship director had every right to come in and get the whole class upset nor were they out of line in doing so. My personal decision to not leave my mom in need was brought up and cited as reason for their lack of support in my leadership. Needless to say I immediately revoked my membership.
I have been attending the new church plant with a former pastor and feeling accepted and supported to.share my gifts.
The irony is that for months I was sensing the Lord leading me away and I had specifically prayed for a clear direction of what to do stay our go in.the.week leading up to my revocation. God answered loud and clear with a figurative 2x4 upside my head!
Yes I miss.my class but I still am able to keep in contact with them as they need through other activities in our community or simply a phone call email or cup of coffe and word of prayer and scripture share.
Thoughts?
What an interesting issue and one you don't find discussed many places. We left two churches in the last six years. The first we had been at for 15 years when it joined a spiritually dangerous group and hired a spiritually dangerous leader.pastor kicked out the board, wrote up his own statement of faith and started summarily excommunicating people who (very gently)criticized some of these practices. Many more toxic behaviors happened here. After two years, almost no one there when the man came remained. This church had become toxic and had all the marks of spiritual abuse. We were kicked out of that church after trying every way possible to be peacemakers, and most of the church had left. The second church began going into a church growth movement, market-model direction, and we were afraid that since our family was newly damaged from the last church, we didn't need more conflict, so we left quietly, but I wrote a letter to the pastor telling him how much the church had done for us, how much we loved the people and how hard it was to leave. I did voice my concerns about direction, but not in a blaming way. It pretty much followed your pattern here. I heard back from the pastor and we left on good terms. Many, many people there are Facebook friends today. I think it's important to distinguish between healthy and spiritually dangerous churches when you advise people how to leave. After researching spiritual abuse, I know now that there are some churches so poisonous and cult-like in practice that you must get out as soon as you can, for your family's sake.
I am sorry for your experience...and certainly you are right if there is spiritual abuse...you must leave at all cost...just like marital abuse. But too often people leave for all kinds of reasons, and too often they don't leave well, causing contention and sometimes division.
I did post on my other blog, the issue of abuse...so I do think it is worth addressing: http://www.provocativechurch.com/2010/04/is-your-church-abusive.html
This is a great article. Thank you. My husband and I have been attending our small church for about 4 years now, and we're feeling called to go elsewhere. There are several reasons for this, and I've tried to separate the petty, emotionally based reasons from the important spiritually based ones. Basically there is no youth group and I have 2 almost-middle-schoolers who I want to get involved in missions and the whole youth group "thing". Also, the pastor has a way of starting the sermon with the point he wants to make, then cherry-picking Scripture to support his POV, rather than taking apart Scripture in context to find out what is GOD's POV. Third, I've been teaching Sunday School for 3 of those 4 years and I've stepped down twice, only to be begged, guilted, and pressured into teaching again. I've enjoyed teaching, God has certainly equipped me to fill that need at the church, but it is NOT where my heart is. Finally, our church has NO community-focused outreach. Our only outreach is our sister church in Africa, which is a noble outreach to have, but it saddens me that our church is better known on another continent than it is in our own city. I've tried to get some things going within the community, but it has required me to step away from teaching, therefore being guilt tripped once again. One of the bigger emotional reasons for wanting to leave is that the pastor, his wife, and a few other couples who are in leadership, preach home schooling like it's Gospel. I have no problem with home schooling, but I really don't appreciate being told all the evils of public schools, over and over again, when the decision to go to public school WAS a very prayerful and purposeful one. They do the same thing with politics...almost weekly we get a paragraph of the sermon devoted to the unborn, homosexual marriage, and other wedge issues, and a couple of the elders have even publicly insulted our President from the pulpit! They preach "love", but their side comments and actions say "hate" or "gross indifference". And yet, almost weekly, we get another chunk of the sermon devoted to "why not to leave our church" and how no one's perfect, it hurts Pastor's feelings, etc.
Anyway, thanks for making me feel that my reasons are the right ones, and giving me an exit strategy. I'm hearing God's call even louder now. Be blessed.
I have been at my church for 7 years now..my pastor has become more focused on the prosperity gospel and we work more on fund-raising...me and my pastor had major issues two years ago..it was very painful but I stayed on...he treats me differently now.. I have out grown the church and feel I don't fit in anymore....my heart is not there anymore..someone asked me @ a printing shop r u happy @ ur church...I couldn't answer the question.....I am wrestling with leaving because 7 years is a long time....and I am worried about finding a new church...
I am thinking about leaving my church,seems I have done something wrong,I don't know,but we have church every night and I just can't be there every night,and now I am called immature because I got upset over a sermon that was preached on disobedience,I did not get upset about Gods Word,but when we were told we should feel like a wretch,I was a little upset,well alot upset.Whats your opinion on this?
I am thinking of leaving my church too because the pastor's wife is always pestering me why I did not come to church last week wanting an excuse from me...whatever the reasons it's between God and me. The pastor's wife told me that next time if I am going to be out, I need to tell the church and I was shocked by this request. I often see the pastor's wife forcing people up to the front to repent and pray which I do not agree because I feel that the person must be ready on their own term, not pushed around or shoved up front...we've lost church members by this practices..Also the pastor constantly preaches to the congregation on how it's unholy to wear pants to church and women must always wear dresses to church...the pastor does this everytime he sees me in a pant...I love God very much and I try very hard to please God spiritually but I also feel that God accepts me for my heart and not my physical looks and this "must wear dress" doctrine is getting to me. Also, the church has ask and gathered the congregation in a rush to donate money to purchase a van for the church of which I donated but it's been almost a year and they have not follow through with the van purchase yet which makes me feel as if they lied to the congregation. Any feedback?
Hi bill, I have been attentding a local church for about 4 years , my pastors and i and a few others all literally grew up spiritually at the same time. but then i started to mature rapidly with the lord, and trying to find my gift and calling that the lord had for me , all the other leaders about 2 of them ( my church was only about 15) started to be disturbed by me and my love for god,bashing me talking behind my back, i was never arrogant , i was always helpful and loving , but they were in the 'WORLD" at the same time , ( later on they all confessed they were jelouse that i had been obident to God) , i wasnt perfect i had my bumps but i always got up and seeked the lord . well that went on for about 4 months , i held on , till i couldnt take it anymore and spoke to the pastors , they told me to hold on , so i stayed in the church , so i started to run again seeking the lord and serving as a leader , worship leader, etc,and again after a recent retreat , my pastors started to relly condemn me , and talk about me in the church in humiliation. because i had visited a church of a friend of mines , i asked permission from the pastor he said yes , me and a couple of leaders were all suppost to go but they bailed on me , because one of them didnt feel comfortable praying with other " unknown people" and the other one was busy , i didnt wanna go alone but the spirirt led me there and i was bieng convited to go , i had never been to this church or met any of people exept my friend , so i wnet and the most wonderful thing hapopened to me , the pastor of the church had told me that the lord had told him the calling for my life i was going to be worship and songwritter and also the lord told him to tell me my gift ,( i had never met this pastor or any of these people in my life) which were evangelism and leadership. the following week i gave my testimony at church thinking my pastors were going to be happy with what the lord had instore for me and that i finally know my calling and part in the body of christ,but then that following week my pastor started to talk bad about what happened , and really judging me and kind of calling me out for what had happened to me , i guess he was a little upset i dindt find my calling and gift with them instead , and ive been with them for 4 years, but that really hurt me , also the forabout 2 months somethings had been telling me its time to move on , but i kept ignoring it thinking its just my feelings , but i fasted and prayed and it wont leave, that feeling and with the events that has been happening to me lately , i feel as if i should go , its definently the holy spirirt and not my emotions anymore that i thought it was, but how do i leave , its so hurtful and i just dont know what to do.
I talked to God last night about what He wants me to do as a member of United Christian Inner-City Ministry in Roanoke, VA. With knowing how the head Pastor (Mike English) has become from when I started there, he has become more and more hateful and demanding as well as his wife. They are not showing love as Jesus shows to all of us. With all the problems, God had told me many times before when I had thoughts about what should I do, He said to stay for the time being. Last night, however, He told me that it was time to move on. I prayed and talked to Him and waited in meditation for His answer. He told me it is time to move on. So I will do so. Would this be the right choice? I believe so. God did not say why, He just said to simply move on to another fellowship (church) and continue worshiping Him.
I have been a member of my church for 4 years. I love it and have grown a lot spiritually. However, lately I'm very troubled. My boyfriend and I broke up recently and he still goes there. It's very hard for me to see him and especially hard for me to see him talk with other single women there. I don't want to leave my church but I also don't want to be hindered or to be a hinderence because of my feelings. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
After years of going to a traditional church where we had the feeling of lacking the presence of the Lord we started praying and after a few months the Lord talked to us about starting a House Church in the Netherlands.Since 01-06-2011 we started the Dutch House Church Huisgemeente Abba Vader ( http://www.huisgemeente.be/ )and now we experience the Lord like never before.So much love and power.Now we are true disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ.
I am praying over leaving my church job as well. The abuse by the Pastor's wife, who also runs the church, is beyond my abiity to cope. The depression from the ridiculous and random decisions that are made is mind blowing. I can barely get up in the morning and go to work. All the decisions are based soley on money. How much money, how much money, what was the offering. It is so depressing the whole staff is sad. The comments from her are continually that people should be lucky the have jobs. If I here "Our" money one more time I might just lose it. When people talk about leaving they are branded "against God" and "losers". They talk bad about those who leave and it is taking a toll on my personal life. I need help.
How do you leave a good church gone bad?
As a Christian counselor, it is amazing to me to see how much damage is done to believers by church leadership. I'm convinced that being a pastor is one of the most difficult jobs on the planet. People can feel wounded through no real fault of church leadership and this is unfortunate but a reality of imperfect people in imperfect churches. However, I have seen also seen true and evil spiritual abuse by pastors and leaders and that is extremely damaging to the flock.
@DrDon - there are a lot of deeply wounded people in the church, wounding each other! We all need to grasp tightly to the gospel
@Anonymous - alway realize that when leaving a church, no matter how bad, it is still Christ's church...so leave in a way that glorifies Him, with dignity and respect to the cause of Christ...I know that can be hard, especially if you've been hurt...but it is real important.
Would you recommend leaving a church because of a potentially adulterous situation--even if it is only emotional?
@Anonymous.... your language is confusing...you say "potentially" not sure what you are trying to say with that word? But obviously unrepentant moral behavior certainly provides grounds to leave.
I have been attending a church for years now. This church has been very beneficial towards me and my family and my spiritual growth. However for a few months now I've realized that not everything my pastor has been preaching has been in accordance with the Bible. This has especially been affecting me for I realize that I've been living more according to what he says and not what the Bible says. I realized this for when I would get a revelation from God about something I wouldn't have much faith in it till I heard the pastor say it and even though the Bible would state something clearly if its not what my pastor preached I'd have a hard time believing it completely... Also I realized that every time I went to church I would return home with my peace majorly disturbed and feeling heavy. And I realized that the days i missed church would be when I feel most at peace and happy. So I finally got fed up and asked God if it would be okay for me to leave and find another church. Shortly after I got a strange dream about the pastor doing things not quite Godly and basically the dream was saying to leave. However after making up my mind to leave while at church the same pastor asks for me in the middle of preaching his sermon. (basically he is hilarious when he preaches and since i sit upfront he always hears me laughing so while i was at the bathroom he noticed that he didn't hear my laugh and was asking for me, and he never does this) So after hearing that I thought what if its the Lord telling me to stay. I've been on the praise team for about 1 year now so I was thinking what if God doesn't want me to go because of that. So I spoke to God about it again and this time I didn't have such a good dream about the people in the church so I'm thinking yes I can go. But I just keep thinking what if I leave and I was wrong and God sends me back. I just wouldn't want to face them. The people at that church can be VERY judgmental of people who leave. What do you think I should do?
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My name is jennifar, from usa I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in February this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR.madurai he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 6years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to usa, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is maduraitemple@yahoo.com
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My wife and I separated Last year September, I will agree I wasn't true to myself and her. But i did all I could let her have a good life I did put all my energy into our little family as we have 2 beautiful kids.because I worked As a waiter she didn't really like that for a career, she thought i didn't want to do well in my life. last year as the harsh finance situation hit as we've been suffering with our finance for a while she decided to end our marriage. which i was very devastated!! to lose the love of my life, but a month after separation i went to France for 10days to clear my head. when i got back she wanted me back but she didn't want romantic side of it a month after xmas she told me again that she cant do it anymore as our finance was at lowest. then we made a decision to end it to sort our lives out...but my prayer everyday for her to realize that i am not a loser all i wanted is to do what i could to put food on the table and roof over their head. since the second separation i am qualified football coach and fitness instructor and doing more toward my career but I don't want to get into a relationship with another woman when my wife and I suffered all of this years when my career takes of shes not there to enjoy it with me..I really want her back in my life so i contacted this spell caster Dr okogbo who now help me to bring her back, we now have a happy family together with my wife. If you want his help you reach him via email at okogbotemple@yahoo.com
Hi Bill,
I would appreciate any guidance you can provide. My family and I joined a small church four years ago when the Asst. Pastor of our previous church spun off to start his own independent Bible teaching church. We began in his living room and now occupy a school library and we have between 10-15 adults regularly attend with about 6-8 elementary aged children who attend Sunday School during church. My wife is a regular Sunday school teacher there rotating every other month; I arrive an hour early every Sunday to set up and am in charge of A/V (laptop, project, music), and 100% of our tithe goes to the church. I make a nice living, and knowing the make up of the rest of our church, there will be a pretty significant impact on church finances when we leave. Additionally, we consider the Pastor and his family as friends. Our main reason for looking to leave is that our oldest of three daughters is now 12 and she is not being served. She is too old for Sunday school lessons and not really interested in the sermons. My other daughters are 10 & 8 and will be approaching that age before long as well. Our pastor is trying to start a youth program next month, but he is leading it and there are maybe a total of 2 or 3 that would possibly attend, and I cant even guarantee that. With such a small church we don't have the resources to "feed" everyone, in particular the teenage group. My wife and I are steadfast in our faith, and I want to make sure my daughters are led downt he right path and I just dont believe our church can satisfy that need. How would you approach this departure?
Any guidance you can provide is greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
I feel that God has told me in my spirit to go to another church and so I have. However my old church helped me so much during my recent accident I don't know how to tell them. Any ideas?
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I'm glad you brought this up, because there's very few writing on this subject. Dag Heward-Mills however has written about 8 different books on the subject of LOYALTY, including "Those who leave you", "Those who pretend", "Leaders and loyalty", just to name a few. If you've gone through a church break up, or planning to leave a church; doesn't really matter what your situation is, one of the many books by Dag Heward-Mills on Loyalty will give you a didactic teaching on the subject, that will change your life.
I decided to leave my church of 20 years about 6 months ago.I often see articles about people leaving church and how it should be done a certain way, like some kind of formula that always works well. However, I know from experience that meeting with the pastor first is not always the only way to properly leave. I had more than one meeting with my pastor in his office, mainly to try to clear some things up that were causing confusion and may have even led to division further down the road. I am a strong believer in godly confrontation but not for one minute did I forget that he is the pastor and I am not. I remained respectful and prayed before I went in each time. He gave me the same response everytime, stating that all was well between us, and insinuating that I was imagining being slighted by him.(Never mind that he actually purposely humiliated me on more than one occassion in front of the entire congregation} On the last visit with him he made me feel like there was nothing wrong and that I should carry on as I had been, as long as God was leading. Two weeks later he again purposely embarrassed me publicly and I had to seek the Lord to know what to do at that point. He lead me to the scripture to "wipe the dust off my feet", and pointed me toward another church in my general area. Although I have forgiven him, I still struggle to feel accepted in my new church, even though I trust God to help me overcome this. And a note to Maranatha John, concerning "loyalty". My first loyalty is to God Almighty and Jesus Christ his Son. I with His help will remain loyal to the One who died for me. Loyalty to a person, even a pastor, is secondary. When the pastor is abusing the sheep he actually is no longer qualified to be the leader of the sheep he is abusing. Anything or anyone who pulls me away from God and not closer to Him is not meant to be my pastor. Don't you know that this is how cults get started. People remaining loyal to pastors even when his leadership starts destroying more people than it helps? I'm not saying this is what happened with my pastor, but he was causing me so much self doubt that I had to leave to start growing again in the Lord. I feel so much lighter now than I have in the last few years, like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I kept forgiving one offense after another for 15 of the last 20 years. I have been married to the same wonderful but imperfect man for 34 years and love him more now than the day we married. That takes a lot of loyalty and forgiveness, and plenty of the grace of God.
In my own instance, the pastor's wife was so rude you would think that being rude was a virtue. She would go on the podium and ask all those who did not like their style to leave. I have never seen such haughtiness atop emptiness. I left because I did not want to be either polluted nor oppressed by the spirit of pride. I am not being sanctimonious but as a child of God, I know when it is time to run. I did. I wish them well and pray always that "The eyes of their understanding be enlightened. Amen."
I don't know how to "just leave" w/o the need to spread a warning to others about the guilt inducing preaching - the need to be there every - and I do mean every - time the doors are open. Tithing, attendance and giving mentioned at every service. You hear that often enough when you're giving everything you can (and some you shouldn't) it really hurts - giving to the church when your car needs work; giving to the church when you're the one that needs help; give, give, give... devouring widows houses...people need to warn others about wolves and erroneous teachings.
Perhaps you need to talk about the bad theology and doctrine that isn't filled w/ grace and do your best to leave the "personalities" out of it...if that makes sense??
My husband and i are currently considering changing churches. We are visiting local churches.i have been a member of this church for twelve years. My husband has been attending for ten years. My husband started to get very angry that on occasions any man would hug me when its time to meet and greet. He says he feels.like the men only did that to disrespect him. But every sunday when the ladies hugged him it was ok they were nice ladies.he has constantly accuse me of looking at a male or smiling at them which is not true at all.he watches me and every move i make in church. He doesnt like if i should have tears, he once told me that i looked retarded the way i was moving my head during a performance by dance ministriy. I had no ideal i was moving my head in a weird way .but he was watching me. Well it has gotten so bad that we were arguing every sunday. I do not feel free to worship when he is with me but he has to come to watch me. Now we are visiting other churches and so far each church has greeted us with a hug and of course he does not like that one. I love my husband and ifeel that i have never given him a reason to distrust me ever! Whatbam i suppose to do in this case . I have started to just extend my hand but twice ive been hugged anyway. Now i feel stressed on sundays.
Im not trying to make my husband out to be the villian . I just dont know what to to do in this situation. How do i make this better. Should i continue going to my present church. Should intalk to my pastor.even though my husband would not like it. I really would like to attend a church closer to my home but i feel the sme problem will occur.
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My husband and I are involved in our church of 300 members, he as the basist and I as a children's sunday school teacher. We have prayed for a while about leaving due to several reasons, both biblical and personal, but did not feel led by God to do so until
now. We have never had the feeling of belonging to a church family but everyone is nice and helpful. We recently decided to leave as we did feel led by God to do so. We attempted to tell our pastor in person and to give a date when to leave but we were both ignored when asked to talk to him. I know he is busy but he did not return a call and so my husband texted him to let him know which he also ignored. This sunday was our last Sunday to which the pastor, choir director and band leader, our Sunday school teacher, or any other leaders in the church even spoke to us. I had no intentions of leaving on bad terms and wanted to leave properly but in doing this we have felt shunned, let down, ignored, and hurt. Should we cut our losses or just let them know how we feel even though we have just left? I never dreamed our pastor would give us such a cold shoulder and I don't understand why.
Hello every one my Name is LOVETH. I will love to thank Dr Shiva at hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com and share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos i never thought i will have my girlfriend back and she means so much to me..The girl i want to get marry to left me 4 weeks to our wedding for another man.., When i called her she never picked my calls, She deleted me on her facebook and she changed her facebook status from married to Single...when i went to her to her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me..I lost my job as a result of this cos i cant get myself anymore,my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life...I tried all i could do to have her back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to execute some business have been developing some years back..I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting her back and how i lost my job...he told me he gonna help me...i don't believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back to US the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he's busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 2 days that is Thursday...My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she had done ..she said, she never knew what she's doing and her sudden behavior was not intentional and she promised not to do that again.it was like am dreaming when i heard that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my wife called and he said i haven't seen anything yet... he said i will also get my job back in 3 days time..and when its Sunday,they called me at my place of work that i should resume working on Monday and they gonna compensate me for the time limit have spent at home without working..My life is back into shape,i have my girlfriend back and we are happily married now with kids and i have my job back too.This man is really powerful..if we have up to 20 people like him in the world,the world would have been a better place..he has also helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all happy now..Am posting this to the forum for anybody that is interested in meeting the man for help.you can mail him to hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com I cant give out his number cos he told me he don't want to be disturbed by many people across the world..he said his email is okay and he' will replied to any emails asap..hope he helped u out too..good luck: hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com .ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: (hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com) you are the best spell caster that can help solve any problem i will always give thanks to you.
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I have lost faith in humanity but not God. I know the two are intertwined but even a loving and compod must be so sorely disappointed in our behaviour and motivations.
I leaft the Church once and despite being very active on a volunteer basis am primed to leave again. The closer I get to the church the farther I get from God.
Sometimes I think that's God's whole purpose in requiring congregating - to challenge us to deal with all the petty and mean-spirited acts that humans are capable of. Frankly I am worn out from congregating.
I believe a "sucessful" church should be a microcosm of society. People who I'll call givers (not financial) and others I will call needers. Those roles of who falls into whichever camp changes over time with people who are needers becoming givers and vice versa.
The problems as I see it is that there are too many needers. Potential givers are so outnumbered that do not identify with an organization who will suck them dry.
Church's used to attract all walks of society nopw it seems it caters SOLELY to the victims.
I love my church and brothers in Christ. I was an active member in my ministry and helped others as well. A couple of months ago i was doing a drama for a womans group and was taken over by an incredible fear and failure feeling. I havent been the same. This past months i have been talked to by the pastors wife. When i explain to her all my mind and body confucion, she always counteracts with her having a worst situation than mine and she is still at church. I feel like they dont care. Like i have to suck it up and act like everything is all good. Whats the point of going to church then, if we allready do this things in the world. I suffer from diabetes and panic attacks. It doesnt hold me back, in two years of babtised i have accomplished mord than others who have been there more. What is holding me back is their attitude towards me. After knowing all my issues lately they wanted me to take up a leader position. I declined. They have very cafefully taken all my axtivities away. And when i say they, i mean the pastor wife and daughters. I get weird attitudes, they ignore me and i see my acti ities taken up by other ppl. I love my pastor, he talks to me to not give up. He dont know he edifies me and his fam is destroying me. I wish i was wrong. That my twsisted human mind was playing a trick on me. My family also hold leadership in church. I want to leave. But i feel God is gonna leave me too. Nobody but my husband knows this. He just prays. :'(
I am thinking of leaving my church for one much smaller. I have been a member of my church for approximately 10 years. I love my pastor, who preaches the word of God and I have grown in my faith here. I am involved in a ministry. Approximately 7 years ago I moved to another nearby state. I kept my membership here because I feel this is my family and it took me less than an hour to drive to church in the morning and approx. 45 minutes getting home. Initially I would go for bible study and prayer each week but this was becoming more difficult drivng at night due to poor eyesight(cataracts). Within the last year I began visiting a church (bible believing) that a christian couple of mine are members. The church is much smaller than the one I attend, and less than a 20 minute total drive to and from church. They have bible study and prayer during the day and I have gone here sometimes. Even though I may visit this chuch I still pay tithes and offering at my church and is there for my appointed Sundays in my ministry. Recently I had a life/death situation with a child family member who is also a member of my chuch. This couple suggested I speak to my pastor regarding the situation. I called to speak with my pastor. I explained the situation to his secretary who said she would give him the message. He did not return my call and it has been a couple of days. I don't know why he did not return the call. My thoughts are if this was someone highly visible in the church he would have returned the call. I am now thinking that maybe I should attend a church that is closer to me, where the congregation is not as big and where it would be convenient for my family member to attend children activities. As I said before most of these activities are at night at my church and eyesight is poor with night highway driving. However, I can drive back and forth at night locally within a short distance. Also when I thought about it, this couple, another relative of mine who lives out of state (near me) and attends her previous church as well as a friend who recently moved South when they have called their pastor he has returned their calls. I know the pastor is busy maybe too busy. I don't even want my friends or family to know he did not return the call. I was able to reach someone in the ministry I am invloved to speak with as I had her direct number.
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I've been browsing this and other articles for awhile now. I plan to leave my church which my family has attended for 200+ years. It is a VERY strict church (in multiple communities) where it is believed that they are the only ones in living faith and all non-members will burn in hell. I'm 24 and it has taken many years of shaky faith before I've finally come to the terms with the fact that God put millions of his people on this earth and there can't be only 30,000 going to heaven.
Now that I've made up my mind (not a single living person knows of this), I need to plan my exit strategy. My first instinct is to flee the state, possibly the country, and start anew. I know this is not the smart way, but the easy way. I want to do this right. When I do break the news, my family is going to be brought to their knees. I hope that my mother doesn't go into cardiac arrest. I am not joking, this is how serious a matter it is to leave. I will be condemned in their eyes. I can already hear the things they will be saying. It helps that I know that how I believe is true, I also plan to find a therapist to help me to take the steps. I don't know how I'm going to take it if my family totally cuts me off. I obviously have a heart full of love for them and life could get rough coming up.
The question I have is, how do I leave? I won't write a letter because I think they would use it to show how the devil is so quick to steal Gods children, I could see it being construed in a false manner. I don't know if I should talk to one of our Preachers? I think they would try to convince me to stay and their parting words would be that I am going to hell. Should I bother? Or should I run for my life?
HELP please!
it is very difficult to give you great advice being that I am removed from you and the exact details of your situation...but everything you shared seemed very alarming...and almost cult-like...
it sounds like you need to leave and leave fast.
Hi Bill, firstly I want to thank God for this platform that enables us to voice out our concerns in leaving our churches. I too, have been in my church for 10 solid years and in 2010, I had to leave for the whole year to be a member of another church. The manner in which I left my church was grudgy and bitter towards my pastor.Although I love him and the members of the church, I just was not happy with him sometimes in the manner in which he spoke and still speaks to us. There is so much of detail that I can share, but since this is about me, I will spare you the details.
In 2011, after being away for the whole of 2010, I went back to my church of origin. I figured that I had to repent and continue serving in the church. Unfortunately, as would be expected, the services I used to offer in the church had other peaople provide and I was left to just be an attending member which at first, thinking it would only last a while, I was quite content and ubderstanding. I then realized that I could no longer be this way as I have also ceased to grow. In my church, only the pastor has a say, and his eldest daughter. The rest of us just get told what to do and what ministries within the church we ought to be a part of and this is without consent on our part.
Due to our pastor wanting to take charge of everything and interfering with everything that everyone is doing, growth is thus hindered. We are not free in praising God, but don't get me wrong, because the Word is God's, whenever he preaches, it always finds a place in our hearts. When I look back at the year when I was in another church, I see how much I have grown and that left me with an even more hunger to grow closer in my walk with God and there is pleanty of room to share of the gifts and talents that God has given me to the benefit of the body of Christ as a whole.
The most difficult thing is to speak to my pastor about my intentions to leave as he might want to know why and he is not very open to any kind of criticism or confrontation, no matter the manner it is put across. Many are members that have left our church and he always blames them for wrong-doing, yet other memebrs in the church can see that he is very much part of the reason and nobody wants to confront him as he would say that the word of God say touch not my annointed and do my prophets no harm. It's either his way or no way.
yes, agreed - I hope and trust this has been a good platform for people to share in a safe way the pain and difficulty of having to leave a church.
I am being blamed for things that have been said and spread after leaving spiritually abusive leadership just days ago. I was trying the "just go" but with a short letter of resignation and thanks(3 lines) after 14 months of faithful service. There was a meeting with leadership where I was asked to be sensual and sexy in my delivery as a minister and worship leader while saying i had been the best female they'd had. Also my supporting other ministries on FB was called into question. I was as on asked to only support our church..when I have been in sales and marketing and network constantly with ministry friends nationwide.
I went on the defense as to my spreading blah..when there were 5 other people in this same meeting the mentioned things were addressed. I have intentionally only spoken to one female elder so they would know i was leaving peacefully....but this was re-ignited tonight by her..on behalf of the leader...SO..Bill..I want to squash this..but i have been one to try to be the peacemaker and not stir up things.....not avoidance because i did do a letter...i feel i am mature and dont mind confrontation..but these kinds of situations are...super hard. I am divorced with children and plan to find another church asap....but How should I arm myself for a meeting that obviously would be keeping me up at 1:46 am on a wednesday wee hours...and while there are other things that were so wrong and enough for me to leave that need to be addressed..I am leery of saying..this is whats wrong. Open communication is good..but despite being a part of leadership having had a strained relationship with the pastor for i was evasive and distanced once I saw too much...how do I do this...I emailed again tonight that i would be willing to meet...because they are just blowing things out of proprtion....i ache...and it hurts ....they sent out an email notifying people of my choice to leave...they continue to poke at me to address the issues..i have at least 8 issues that can be shared....I dont want to be emotional..but i am so disappointed and just wanted to move on. Any advice? #Lordhelpme
Do you have someone close to you that is walking with you through this? Because it sounds like you need a relationship that is safe, but is also close enough to you to know the details of your situation.
Having a person like that would be key...because I fear giving any advice to specific situations without knowing intimately the details...I can offer general advise and principles, but I fear to add anything more beyond that.
My family and I went to a church that was almost an hour away from our home for about 2 years. It just got to the point that with 3 toddlers, it was very draining to go to a church so far away and it was obviously difficult to forge deep relationships due to the distance. So, for those practical reasons, we called our pastor to let him know that we loved him and the church and were so thankful for everything they had done for us, but that we just needed to find a closer community. The response was very abrupt and cold and they do not communicate with us anymore. SO....
we began attending a new church (well now 2 years ago). I volunteer in the Sunday School and participate in outreach whenever I can. My husband and I never felt exactly "home" there, but we also don't want to be "church hoppers" and we realize that there is no perfect church and that we should also be invested there (not just to get what we can out of it). However, more and more, we are realizing that the pastor's messages are very much law-oriented (not very much grace) and that they aren't very balanced (I realize that Pastors usually lean one way or the other). That would probably be O.K., but I come from *very emotionally *abusive parents (who were very legalistic in our 'christian' upbringing) so it's very difficult for me, personally, so sit under very strict teaching (For example, I LOVE to tithe and to give above my tithe, because I just love to give... but our pastor preaches that you will be cursed and removed from the church if you don't tithe... so even though this doesn't directly apply to me, the harshness still hurts my heart. This is just one example of his style). SO, are those legitimate reasons to find another fellowship?
P.S. I forgot to mention that my fear is that because we left the church that was too far away (practical reason) and now, 2 years later, we are desiring to leave for spiritual growth reasons (as described above), that maybe it's a sign that *we are the problem-- to critical or not thankful, or invested enough...?
@ BILL FROM #LORDHELPME-YES I DO-THEY ARE IN ANOTHER STATE BUT THEY ARE ENCOURAGING ME.
I am a introvert and I only go to the pastor when god tells me too. The last time I did he was rude and I feel like I could never go to him again. All the other members can go to him for advice but not me. I can're ask him to pray for me when I am sick.
I try to understand where he is coming from in some ways because when god sends me to him to him it is correcting something wrong he did and god would give me scripture to do so. Now I want to leave the church because I feel separate I feel like I am in a box.......
I really like your article because I am in this same predicament. I am at a church now that I know I heard the Lord tell me that my ministry will flourish whilebeing there. The problem that I am facing ow is that a pastor that I was once under on and off for about 11 years wants me to come back to their church. I have done this on several occasions after leaving several times, but I alwasy get the same results. This particular pastor is gifted, but is very aggressive and demanding as well. My last trip there did not go so good. I was tag teamed by the pastor and the pastor's daughter that was in charge at the time, and they handled me like a kid as if the ministry was my soul responsibility to care for. Now That I am in another ministry and getting exposure, this particular pastor wants me to come back to their church because now they believe it is time for me to pastor it now that there is noone else at that church. The church that i am in now is a good ministry, but there are a few differences in how I was taught which is not a bad thing. I am just torn between the two because my current pastor talked with me about this and believe that it is not time yet for me to leave, while the past pastor thinks that I am disobeying God by not following what she says. Mind you the past pastor just wanted me to up and leave my current church, and pastor for her without giving my current pastor any notice.
Please HELP!!!!
It seems like a lot of the issue is listening to other people. And if you are like me, a people pleaser, then it will be hard to dissapoint other people. It is important to do what you sense the Lord's calling is, and to tune out what other's expectations of you are. This may be difficult to do, but it is your best solution.
Bill,
Thank you for the article.
There are a lot of "Anonymouses" here, so call me "George."
This year, I left my church due to heavy-handed leadership issues. I would recommend people start their 90-day exit plan now.
1. Find a new church FIRST by asking other people who left years ago where they are now.
2. Set a meeting with the pastor at the new church you wish to attend. Ask how you can fit in. Explain the ministries you've been part of and ask if they need your help.
3. If you are a volunteer, find someone to take your place at the old church. If you run a ministry, shut it down during a logical time (Summer, or at the end of the curriculum or end of month or year).
4. Quietly disappear. Don't confront leadership, especially if they are heavy-handed. They will try to meet with you but that's only to bully your, or failing to do that they will pretend to take your comments to heart, but will actually start marginalizing and backstabbing you. It's best to just slip out the back door, and enjoy your new life and ministry.
I wasted 2 years of ministry time at my church trying to make the pastors sensitive to certain issues. I should have gone to another church that had the same vision that God had given me. I could have ministered to dozens more people had I left earlier.
Blessings to you, George
George, thank you for your comments...they are very thoughtful and helpful...if it's ok with you, I am going to turn them into a post - I think others would benefit from your advise...blessings brother, bill
Hello Bill,
My wife and I are at a good church and have a loving Pastor who preaches sound doctrine. We've been there for about 7-8 years and I was ordained a Deacon about 1.5 years ago.My wife usually states that she doesn't get much out of his preaching, but she enjoys the teaching in bible study. Well, although this church is spritiual, it is lacking a bonafide children's ministry. We recently started attending another church 5 months ago near our house but we left our church abruptly. We decided to go back to apologize to our Pastor on how we left. At the meeting, my Pastor surprised me by saying that other people that left the church had euther died or wasn't successful at anything they tried to accomplish. He also spoke about how he was trying to mentor and groom me and was surprised that I wanted to leave the ministry. I expressed to him that it was a family decision to leave, but we could tell that he didn't want to receive it. I felt like I was on a guilt trip and a scare tactic was put in place to control my decision to leave. To be quite honest, The words and stories that he told both startled and amazed me and I felt a level a disappointment. Because it felt like I was being manipulated to stay. I would have been ok if he would have expressed his hurt and left it like that, but I saw a new side of the situation, that troubled me! Can I get your feedback on this matter? Thanks and God Bless!!!
Thanks for sharing...obviously your conversation revealed some things about the character of your pastor that you hadn't ever witnessed before. Unfortunately some pastors can't resist the insecurity of the ministry and don't cling tightly to the cross, especially when times are tough (i.e. when people are leaving) As a result they may rely on fear or manipulation...it appears to me there is not more you can do, but be willing to pray for him and church...that the gospel would seize his life and the ministry of the church.
Bill,
Yes, you can use my comments for a blog post. Adapt or duplicate as you please.
--George
I'm decided to leave the church I've been a part of for 5 years, but the difficulty in my situation is that I felt like I don't want to burn the bridge. I love people there and a lot of them are my friends, but there are certain things that I don't agree in regards to the leadership, because their ways and principles is a little bit extreme and legalistic.
I'm not leaving because bitterness although there are a lot of things that had happened.They removed me from one of their training for leaders of the church, they told me that my spiritual growth is slow. Are they in a position to judge my spiritual growth? I have done my best to serve God and to really get involved in the ministry.
Then 3 years ago they put me on Disciplinary action because I courted one of my church mate that also part of the ministry, they have a rules that legal age for dating and relationship is 22. Although I ask forgiveness and undergo their discipline and accepted their rules and followed it for 2 years but still today even though I'm restored back, they still don't trust me and still have doubts that the reason I'm staying in their church because of the girl I courted 3 years ago.
I'm a part of the music ministry but I only attend practice and never been promoted as the guitarist even though some ministry leaders referred me to the head leaders. They didn't promote me even at the time they don't have a guitarist.
Those were some of my experiences but I'm planning not to spoke to them about the things that I disagree in regards to their system because its not the main reason and I don't want to offend them, the main reason for me is that I knew God is guiding me to a new direction, I already knew the church I will be going to and will support because their focus is the Kingdom message of Jesus unlike the church I'm going to leave they been involved in a lot of stuff but not in the Kingdom message of God.
I need help I don't know what to do or how I'm going to say goodbye to my leaders and leave. Is it possible for me to not damage the relationship I have with them even though a lot of my former church mates that leaved doesn't have a good relationship with the church and its members, because the congregation and denomination I'm in is like have really strong religious zeal and are legalistic that a lot of them opposed those who go out from them. Our head pastor even told us that no church member who gone out here grow in their faith or spiritually.
Please help need some advice and pray for me, I'm still troubled
on how I'm going to do this but I already made up my mind after praying for it and been thinking about it for several months now...thanks God bless..
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